March 5, 2015

Hello.

I know you're there.

I've been told by a few of you on a couple of occasions that you intermittently read what I post here. That it upsets you. That you don't understand why I do any of this.

That's okay. I don't expect you to.

Because I'm not like any of you. I'm a writer. I find solace in the curves of words, in their permanence, in what is left unsaid between the paragraphs. Some people find comfort in a bottle, or the arms of a lover, but I find it in words. 

I don't know how I turned out this way. How I grew up to be such a demonstrably different person than I was ever told, encouraged, expected to be. 

But I'm thankful for it.

I'm thankful that I am learning to handle my anxieties and issues in positive, healthy ways; I'm thankful that I have people around me who support me; I'm thankful that I have this blog, my little corner of the internet, where I can pour out my heart and soul and thoughts when they overwhelm me.

I want you to know that I'm working on learning to accept that you can't and won't be the people that I so desperately need you to be. It's hard, but it's something that I will need to work on coming to terms with. If I spend my whole life expecting you to change then I'll never be happy. 

The only person whose growth I can control is my own, and I'm doing my best.

Part of that includes writing here. Of being honest about my struggles and challenges, and the steps that I'm taking to overcome them. 

Lots of people go through similar situations, and if my words are able to help a single person feel like they're not alone, or encourages them to get the help that they need, then I have a responsibility as a writer to put myself out here. Even if it means upsetting you.

As I said: I don't expect you to understand.

I do expect you to continue to ignore me; to continue to pretend like nothing is wrong and I'm just delusional or making up the fact that I have anxiety or issues with trust, confidence and self-worth. I expect you to continue to deny your roles in causing these issues, to continue to keep me at arm's length because it's easier to ignore me than it is to face the things about yourselves that make you uncomfortable.

But I know you read this blog. So I'm telling you that it's okay.

I forgive you.

(At least, I'm working on it.)