I'm not okay

I've been staring at this blank screen like a page waiting to be filled and I have this pit in my stomach, round like an avocado pit and heavy-feeling, dragging me down into my chair and the floor and the ground. I wish the earth would swallow me whole.

People ask me to talk and I have nothing to say. My words are like ash in my mouth and they feel caked on my tongue. Nothing I say has value. Makes a difference. Matters.

I wake up in the morning and I want to go back to sleep so I don't have to feel this way and so I don't have to fake being happy and smile and be loud and enthusiastic and pretend like I don't have this

hole in me

that keeps growing larger no matter what I do.

It got real bad after VoteOpen but this lack of feeling has been there for a while, or maybe it never really went away and I was just covering it up. Like a hole in the floor that you put a piece of wood over, and then you put a really thick rug on the wood so when you walk over it you don't feel the emptiness underneath your feet. Or at least you pretend you don't.

I regret being involved with that campaign. The city ground me down and I saw an ugly side of it that I can't unsee and I don't know how to love the place that I used to love

so much

anymore because I don't feel connected to it. I've lost my sense of place, and with it a portion of my identity that was so, so important to me, and it feels like that hole is getting bigger and deeper and more complex and I'm losing myself in it more every day.

In the winter I needed to hustle so I could take time off so I barely had time to acknowledge it. I poured myself into my work and hauled ass and accomplished a lot but I did it so I could have an escape from my life and pretend like I was fine for a little while

and I felt fine in Thailand. Most of the time, anyway.

But then we came back and at first I tried to chalk it up to being incredibly jet-lagged, then being incredibly sick, then one thing and another thing and then another thing but the truth of the matter is that 

I don't feel much of anything these days. 

Just a hollow ashy feeling in-between bouts of profound sadness and red-hot anger. I yo-yo between being angry at everything and everyone, to feeling so sad I can barely get out of bed, and in-between I feel numb. I walk and I talk and I feel myself going through the motions of living my life but it's like watching a movie because the things that are happening have no meaning. They just happen. They don't matter.

Nothing matters.

John asked today me if I was excited about anything. Folk Fest. Rainbow Trout. Summer and gardening and riding our bikes. Our wedding. Any of the dozens of things going on in my life that I ought to be excited and happy about.

But I'm not. There's that hole in my chest where my feelings should be and it's deep and dark and grey and it feels like if I stare into it for too long I may lose myself and fall in and never come out. I could get lost in it like a series of hallways that lead nowhere but go on forever, empty and dark and endless.

If I were someone else I'd tell me to talk to someone. Anyone. That's what John tells me to do. 

"See a therapist" he says "get some help."

So I'm getting help. 

Tomorrow I'm seeing a new therapist and maybe that will make a difference but I'm nervous and scared, because the last time I saw a therapist it was to manage the emotional baggage I was carrying around from my relationship with my parents and for some reason I'm okay being a victim of abuse but I'm absolutely terrified of being depressed even though that must be what this is, right? 

Is this what depression feels like?

Am I depressed?

I don't want to be. I want to be someone who overcame some shit and maybe still has some anxiety, but is pretty okay now and working on it but can do normal things like talk to their friends and partner about their feelings and get excited about getting married and the future and all the amazing, positive, special things in my life that should be making me feel anything but exactly how I feel right now.

But I'm not okay 

and I need to do something about it before this hole in me eats me up and there's nothing left.

Wish me luck.

Tags: Personal

 

Maybe we're not totally screwed


Lately I've been really into this guy called Pete Buttigieg.

Who goes by "Mayor Pete" most of the time because 1. before announcing that he was going to run for President he served as the Mayor of South Bend, Indiana and 2. because "Buttigieg" is one of the most unfortunate last names you could have in contemporary North American politics, I think.

I first heard about Mayor Pete on the Pod Save America podcast (which is one of the best no-bullshit political podcasts out there)

where I believe they were commenting on his last name

and how a religious, gay Millennial who was previously the mayor of a small town in a conservative midwestern state was running for President

which got me all fired up, let me tell you.

Then I listened to his interview and was really impressed by his direct approach, thoughtful comments, and his policies. Dude reminds me of Obama a bit.

Oh, and did I mention that he went to Harvard and Oxford and fought in the War in Afghanistan?

Then we watched the CNN town hall where he blew everyone away and was happy to see that not only can he string a nice couple of words together, but he can also do it in a way that makes you go

oh

that's just plain common sense

like, there's a climate crisis and we need to stop pretending there isn't

automation is coming for millions of jobs that will never come back

we need to re-think the definition of "work" to include things like caring for family

nobody should worry about having to go bankrupt if they get sick

and as he's explaining his views he keeps repeating "I'm part of the generation that has to deal with these issues," and it's SO REFRESHING to hear a Millennial stating facts and being listened to at a federal level, holy shit.

He's still a long shot candidate at the moment, but he's been getting tons of press and was in Esquire, and apparently his campaign raised over $600 K in the 24 hours since the CNN interview.

It's so refreshing to see young political leaders with a strong message

working hard to craft forward-thinking policies that connect with younger voters

and pushing the needle on issues like automation and environmentalism as key policies 

if only we had a party who could do something like that here in Canada

your move, NDP.

Tags: Politics

 

We're doing wedding stuff right now

Well, John is. I'm blogging because he's in the process of editing a photo of the island of Caye Caulker, Belizem with little notes and arrows and Xes like

X <-- The Split

X <-- Wish Willy's

X <-- Wedding

and watching him is the most charming thing. 

As it turns out, John is very good at wedding planning because he

like me

is an A-type, and we both like to take charge of a situation. 

We have very specific and well-researched and strong opinions, so it's good we agree on most things. Like:

waffles are better than pancakes 

wet cold is better than dry cold (but no cold is best)

inequality and climate change are the two most pressing issues of our time

new Weezer sucks. 

the best way to decorate is with plants and books

dogs are superior to cats (sorry T and BJ)

steaks should only be eaten rare

punk's not dead.

Y'know, the important stuff.

It's also good that we agree on wedding stuff because I don't want to fight about our wedding. 

I once dated a guy whose brother and his fiancée nearly broke off their wedding because they had an argument about the colour of the candles they wanted to have on the tables at the reception.

The candles! 

But I get it. Weddings are stressful and expensive and that shit gets to ya.

So I'm thankful we haven't had a dumb wedding fight yet, though this hasn't been a stressful experience so far.

The wheels are in motion, and now that we're back from Thailand we're shifting our future-planning, A-type attention to this

the next big thing.

One of the Biggest Things.

I know it'll be different than what I expect, so I'm trying not to expect anything specific.

We're gonna get to the island, get off the plane, and it'll all work itself out. Even if the weather is trash or someone sprains an ankle or I cry so hard that I can't wear my contact lenses.

It'll work itself out.

I'm still nervous, but that's more because our buddy Adam is officiating the ceremony

and I know he's gonna steal the show like he always does.

I should really go see if John needs help with those maps.

Tags: Personal

 

Enjoy what you got while you got it


One of the things I'm worst at is living in the present moment.

Which sounds hippy-dippy and something you'd interpret from a tarot card reading, maybe, but taking a few moments to really sink into what yr experiencing is a good thing to do from time to time.

Maybe that's what meditation is. I don't know because I've never really gotten past the point where everything is itchy and distracting.

When we were in Thailand I realized I was suffering from this problem because I was constantly feeling pressure to get out there and do something. 

John got a throat infection which kept him in bed for several days while we were in Koh Tao and I got really stressed because I felt like we were "wasting our vacation" relaxing at the AirBnB rather than being out and about 24/7.

This pressure, to be doing something all the time, is a leftover from my super-anxious days when I would judge myself for taking downtime, or for not filling every minute of every day with some task or to-do. 

I know that, but I'm not always great at recognizing it in the moment. Which can really suck because, okay, we were just hanging out at an AirBnB 

but we were also spending time in a new place on the other side of the planet, still getting street food and enjoying the warm weather even if we weren't hiking up to see wats every damn day.

What I should have been doing in that moment was soaking it up with my partner, not worrying about when we could get back to filling our vacation time with stuff.

Lesson learned, and luckily I figured that lesson out early enough on in our trip that I was able to chill out for the rest of it.

(Okay, most of it.)

And I'm glad I did because I was able to enjoy my vacation with my partner while I was there instead of glossing over it because I was busy thinking and worrying about who knows what. 

I need to bring more of that into my day-to-day because worrying about stuff removes me from enjoying what I have while I have it.

Being "fully present" means I can soak up the good, bad, and in-between feelings and create more vivid memories of things that are, in reality,

fleeting.

Because each new day runs the risk of being the last of something. 

It's scary to think about which is why I think most people don't, but it's true.

This could be the last day you see the person you love.

This could be the last day you talk to yr mom or dad or awkward great-uncle.

This could be the last day you walk into a job you've had for 20 years.

This could be the last day you eat at your fav sushi place before they close.

Nothing stays the same. 

Things Fall Apart. 

So enjoy what you got while you go it.


 

Valentine's Day tips from a serial monogamist

I've been in long term relationships for most of my life since I was a teen. Most of them were a couple of years each, usually with a six month to one-year break in between, but overall I've spent more of my life in a relationship than being single.

This means I've spent most of my Valentine's Days either in the throes of a relationship, or stinging from whatever happened that caused the previous one to end. But that doesn't mean I don't still love Valentine's Day.

People like to get upset about V-Day because it's a "made up holiday" (which it is) but, really, aren't they all? 

Valentine's Day is probably the most made-up of all, though personally I think if you can find someone who you love, and who loves you right back, then that's a cause for celebration. 

A lot of people go through life being really unhappy and unfulfilled and if you can find a little ray of love in your life, even for a little while, hang onto it for as long as it's healthy and good for you and celebrate that shit, yo.

Even if all you do is make dinner together or spend some time with one another or get down and dirrty on each other's business.

Last night I asked my Insta fam if they were doing anything for V-Day and I was surprised to hear that a lot of people refuse to, and do so on the principle of capitalism omg.

Which is funny to me because we buy into a lot of weird and dumb things that may or may not be related to capitalism and yet the one hill people seem willing to die on is the one that is explicitly dedicated to honouring and celebrating relationships with the people we love.

Maybe it's that people (ladies, I'm looking at you) put a lot of pressure on what should be a chill af day. 

I used to be this way when I was younger and a lot more insecure. Like if my man didn't go all out on V-Day he didn't "really love me" which is a bunch of baloney and something that (hopefully) most of us grow out of as we get older.

But in case you needed a reminder, here are some tips on how to handle your V-Day activities from someone who's been through a lot of them:

If you're single, that's cool. Be happy for other people who are in love and spend the day treating yourself like the king/queen you are. Have a bubble bath. Watch some trashy TV. Order in a pizza and get high and drink some box'o wine in your undies. 

(It's what most people blowing money in restaurants wish they were doing anyway.)

If your partner can't get (or afford) fancy restaurant reservations but you wanna go out, go to McDonalds and share a pack of McNuggets. 

Hell, go crazy and split a 20 pack together if you're really in it for the long haul.

If you want flowers then tell yr partner to get you a flowering plant. 

That way they won't blow a bunch of money on blooms that will start wilting right away and leave petals all over the floor and you can have something nice to decorate your place with for months or even years if you don't kill it.

(If you have a cat, make sure to check which plant varieties are safe for your furbaby.)

Unless your partner specifically asks for sweets, don't waste your money on boxes of chocolates. That's shit's played out and unoriginal.

Only plan big, elaborate dates if you know that's what your partner is into before planning it. 

Not everyone likes surprises and nothing ruins a special occasion faster that expectations that weren't met.

And if you want to bang on Valentine's Day follow the advice of sex columnist Dan Savage, who is way more well versed in these topics than I am. His advice, in a nutshell, is: before you fill up on wine and sweets and sleep-inducing carbs

fuck first.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers!

Tags: Thoughts

 

I never used to be a morning person


I've always been a "good sleeper". I usually don't have trouble falling, or staying, asleep as long as I'm in my own bed and am not in the throes of some anxiety attack or panic-inducing situation.

I also have really vivid and interesting dreams, which helps.

The last few years though, I've been getting more into early starts.

Part of it is that I don't party as much as I used to. When you're awake for days doing bad things to yr body, yr body needs to crash and reset and it does so through sleep.

I also like being awake more. In my pre-therapy days, lots of days felt like I was just trying to muddle through until I could crawl back into the safety of my bed and my dreams.

Sleep was more like an escape.

But in the last few years that has changed a lot. I still love sleeping, but if I could go without sleep for several days just so I could be productive and also do all the things I want to do, then I would.

I still want to stay up for days on end, but for different reasons.

I haven't been able to stay up for days per-se, but lately our jet lag has me waking up at 2 - 3AM most mornings, and passing out before 8PM. It's been weird, and is kinda like getting the flu at the end of your day because yr body is super confused internally.

Yesterday and today I woke up at 5:30AM and it was great.

Turns out I can get a lot done super duper early in the morning, and since I'm one of those people who are very very on and clear-headed and productive right after waking up these early-morning hours have been great.

I'm not going to miss falling asleep sitting up at 8PM, but y'know

tradeoffs.

Tags: Random Life

 

I miss Thailand


We're home and I'm so jet-lagged that I feel sick. My sleeping pattern is all out of whack and I've been awake since 3:30AM this morning and am going to try and stay awake all day to reset my circadian rhythm.

But Thailand was worth every lost hour and every weird grumble in my insides.

We were there for nearly a month, and stayed in Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Koh Tao, Phuket, and Bangkok again before flying home. 

Bangkok was insane. It's big, bigger than I realized or can describe. The city, which houses 8.5 million people, stretches for miles and miles.

There was a smog warning when we were there and you could taste it in the air. Lots of people wore masks.

We saw Buddhist monks everywhere in their bright orange robes with their shaved heads. We saw a group of teenage monks filing into a 7-11 to buy popsicles to beat the heat which made me laugh.

The heat. My god.

+35C most days, humid, sticky and perfect. 

The best weather, food, and vibe were found in the northern city of Chiang Mai. 

We found the Cowboy Hat Lady, made famous in that episode of Parts Unknown and it probably comes as no surprise that the food completely lived up to the hype.

Almost everything we ate was made at a stall, cart, or cobbled-together shack on the side of the road (except some yakiniku and shabu-shabu that we ate while in Phuket).

I will deeply miss the food there.

Thai food (and Asian food in general) is so much more interesting and complex than North American food, I think. It's layered and spicy and every bite is different.

I discovered Prik Nam Pla, which is a condiment sauce made by pickling chilies in vinegar and fish sauce, sometimes with sugar to cut the tang. 

It can be kinda dull or spicy af, depending on where you are; everyone makes it, and everyone makes it a little differently.

Everyone in Thailand has "their recipe" for everything, which means there's a huge variety in how the same dish can turn out, and it's always good. I didn't eat a bad meal the entire time we were there.

The thing I will miss most about Thailand isn't the food, though. It's the people.

Everyone we met was so gracious, kind, and helpful. They seemed to appreciate that we tried to learn the language, which I'm sure we still butchered because Thai is a tonal language and is much more subtle than you realize while listening to it as a non-native speaker.

I'm going to miss saying (and lightly butchering) "sawasdee ka!" when greeting people, and giving a wai (a slight bow with hands pressed together) and saying "khob khun kha!" as thanks.

I'm going to miss being immersed in the Buddhist culture. All the little spirit houses, monks, wats, and flowers everywhere.

I felt peaceful in the wats we visited. I liked taking my shoes off and covering my shoulders and my knees out of respect for their places of worship. It was such a simple, nice form of reverence. 

I've never been a religious person, but Buddhism is something I can think I could get behind.

We met the most amazing people, as usual. John and I have good luck that way.

Every time we go on vacation we wind up having nights that make us wake up the next day and say "can you believe we did that?!"

It's also way easier to power through a hangover when you know a spicy bowl of Tom Yum at the stall around the corner.

(Did I mention I'm going to miss the food?)

Obviously though, the best part about the trip was spending it with John.

I really lucked out in finding a guy I travel well with. He's so patient and outgoing and records every day of our trip in a book every time we go on vacation, which is the cutest thing.

He even glued Thai coins and kept all the transfer stickers they gave us to get on different planes and boats in the book too, omg.

At the end of our trip we got matching tattoos. Which sounds lame and dumb but hear me out:

We're getting married next year and neither of us want to wear wedding bands day-to-day, so we decided to get matching tattoos of the constellation "Ursa Majora", which is a nod to a deep and weird inside joke and our love of science and space. 

They're both in the same spot, below our hearts. Pointing us home.

I know it's cheesy but whatever. I love them.

I wish I could describe everything we saw and did in that amazing country. 

How green and lush and humid it is. How every back lane looked. How the sky looks from the beach on Koh Tao at night. What it feels like to be lulled to sleep on the Night Train to Chiang Mai. 

But there aren't enough words to explain it all. All I can do is hold onto the memories of the things I experienced as tightly as I can, and plan to make more of them as soon as I can.

I'll miss Thailand.

But I'm really gonna miss their food, though.


 

It's cold outside

but I'm indoors and cozy underneath a warm blanket with my cats nearby 

and a glass of wine 

and a couple of dried figs

and a big 'ol mason jar of water

(gotta stay hydrated for our flight)

listening to ASMR videos and reading Hacker News articles.

Even though I'm pumped to leave on an adventure tomorrow

it's nice to be home curled up with our cats in the living room

hearing John laugh every once in a while from the kitchen

(he's on the phone with his mom; they are talking about dog breeds)

maybe with a slight buzz, lulling myself to sleep for our 3AM wake-up time.

(Send thoughts and prayers, folks.)

Tomorrow we have a 24-hour travel day to get to the other side of the world

but for now I'm happy to be safe and warm here in my winter city

feeling excited for what's to come.

Tags: Personal

 

Fallen heroes


There comes a time in every person's life when they experience a fundamental shift in how they view their parents. A moment when the veneer is peeled away, revealing the flawed, real people our parents are underneath all the assumptions we make about them as their child.

In the most recent episode of Hidden Brain (a great NPR podcast I can't recommend enough) the host was interviewing a woman whose view of her father changed when she was twelve years old. 

Someone had called the house looking for her dad, and she answered the phone to say he wasn't around. She remembers that the caller sounded old; his voice shaky. He was upset. He said:

"Your father stole my life savings! Your father is a crook!"

Those few words fundamentally changed her relationship with her dad. She no longer saw him as a charismatic, charming artist. She saw him for who he really was: a liar, a con man, and - it seemed - a thief.

My moment of reckoning with my own father didn't happen until I was in my mid-twenties. I was going back through some old emails, looking for something I'd intended to reference at my next therapy session, I think, and I came across an email exchange from July of 2010. 

My dad was upset that I was quitting my government job to attend university. Over the course of several he emails made it clear that he was angry at my decision, and took issue with my reply, where I told him (in so many words) "I'm an adult and you need to respect my decisions and not speak to me so disrespectfully."

Seeing his response, which follows, shook me to my core:

Wow, in nut shell, write me off. You never contact me unless you want something from me.  You've forgotten my birthdays, never see me on father's day, etc.* You obviously are very self absorbed and unless I serve some purpose you have nothing to do with me. When was the last time you called to see how I was doing. Can't remember can you. How is my back, don't know do you. Don'care do you, typical.**

I include the text above because, until that moment, I hadn't been presented with an example of how my dad handled conflicts in our relationship. Sure, I had memories of angry emails, and of him hanging up on me when he got worked up, but I'd never been faced with real evidence of how my father treated me and spoke to me since we'd become estranged a few years earlier.

Until I rediscovered that email I'd been under the impression that I was in therapy largely due to my relationship with my mom. That it was her abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation of everyone around her that was the primary contributing factor to why I had severe anxiety and extremely low self-worth.

Like the woman in the Hidden Brain episode, seeing those words changed how I viewed my father.

Until then I'd always viewed him as a tragic hero. A guy who got married too young, was tricked into having too many kids too young, and was trying to do the best he could in a marriage where his spouse would routinely brag to her kids that "your dad can never leave me because I'll take everything." 

The idea of my dad as a tragic hero was the prevailing impression I'd gotten from talking to our family, and the impression I developed as I became the target of my mom's anger as a teenager and my dad tried, again and again, to stand up to how she treated me.

Until I read that email I'd assumed that my dad was, at worst, a cowardly hero. 

Someone who tried and failed to do the right thing. A man who got stuck in a bad situation and was trying to make the best of it because he didn't have the willpower to man up and leave.

I remembered my dad as someone funny and kind. With a temper, sure, but as someone who was more likely to start crying during an argument than to hurl insults and lash out angrily. 

Despite everything that had happened, the teenage years spent largely in the counsellor's office because I was to distressed with my home life to go to class; his inability to convince my mom to let me move home so I could attend university and not sink into debt; and even the estrangement because he refused to have a relationship with me where my mom wasn't physically present... I still saw my dad as a hero. 

Maybe a tragic, or cowardly one, but a hero nonetheless. Because he did the best he could to be supportive and to help me become a happy, well-adjusted person. 

At least, that's what I'd told myself and fully believed until I discovered this series of emails.

The last time I communicated with my father was earlier this year. My mom had decided to run for school trustee in the recent civic election and my dad was struggling with the basics of setting up a website, social media profiles, etc. - so he reached out to me.

"Not as my dad, but as a potential client."

I don't want to go deep into my feelings on this issue, but suffice it to say that my mom is about as unqualified to hold public office as they come, and I had no interest in helping her. 

So I wrote him back.

I wrote long email explaining how I felt, reiterated the situation that had caused us to become estranged in the first place, and laid out the things that needed to happen for me to feel comfortable re-engaging in a relationship again.

I ran it past John and a few people whose opinions I respect, who told me I sounded reasonable. Firm, but reasonable. 

My dad, for what it's worth, never wrote back.

What I've learned in the years since I found those emails is the ugly truth that every child eventually discovers about their parents: that they aren't perfect, and they're just as capable of being petty and mean and immature as anyone else.

I obsessed over the 2010 emails for a while. I read them and re-read them, almost unable to comprehend that the person I had believed in and loved unconditionally could also be the same person accusing me of not caring about them and being self-centered because I pushed back and asked for respect and boundaries. 

I brought the emails to therapy and I cried like I was in mourning. 

Which I suppose I was, in a way. I was mourning the loss of the idea of my father. The loss of the idea that he was the person who always believed in me and stood up for me, and who respected me and wanted me to be happy.

As kids, we idolize our parents. We look up to them. We believe them to be infallible, and when the ugly truth of who our parents really are comes crashing down on us it's our responsibility to grapple with those feelings. 

It becomes our job, as their children and as adults, to make sense of the contradiction between who we believed they were, and the person our parents really are.

Like the woman in the Hidden Brain episode I had to come to terms with the fact that my dad, like most people and most parents, was not who I believed him to be. 

In the episode, the daughter eventually reunites with her father, though their relationship is strained. They only talk by phone, and after her dad suffers a fall and winds up in an assisted living facility, she visits him only once before he dies.

During their last meeting he tells her "I'm sorry for all the things I've done" and the daughter is left wishing she'd asked her dad: "what things? What were you sorry for?" before he died.

When she recalls this to the host, she sounds distressed. Like there's something nagging at her; something unresolved lurking beneath the surface. She's struggling with the fact that her dad is gone forever, and all she's left with are the remnants of who she thought he was, who he turned out to be, and a series of items and leftovers from his life that she must piece together to start to fill in the blanks.

I know these feelings. My dad is middle-aged; his health has never been great. He has back problems and high blood pressure and high cholesterol and drinks and smokes too much. I'm acutely aware that he could have a heart attack or a stroke at any time, leaving me with only the scraps of his life to glue and stitch together to create an image of who he really was.

Sometimes, when I find myself becoming consumed with this looming reality, I feel an urge to pick up the phone and say:

"What are you sorry for, Dad?"

But maybe I don't want to hear his answer after all.

*I forgot one birthday/Father's Day when I was 16 and not living at home because of conflicts with my mom. 

** What my dad stated here is also untrue; I regularly called and emailed him, and we went out for lunch together every so often right up until we stopped speaking.


 

Thoughts about the year ahead


It feels like 2019 both snuck up on me and couldn't get here fast enough.

Not because 2018 was bad personally - not in the slightest. In fact, I'd say John and I both had banner years on pretty much all fronts. 

We, like many of the people we know, are lucky.

But it was an exhausting year for lots of other people, both for people we know and, it seems, for the world at large. 

There seemed to be way more bad news than good news, which I'm not even sure is true but when all the bad news feels like overwhelmingly bad news it's hard to not focus on the stuff that makes you want to sign off of the internet permanently and go live in a secluded log cabin on a mountain somewhere.

I get those feels, man.

But I'm trying to be more positive these days, so in light of that I thought I'd share some of the stuff I've been reflecting on in the wake of the final days of this The Year of Our Lord 2018.

Here's what I'm planning to work on in the coming year in no particular order:

I want to use social media with more intentionality. 

I use social media pretty much all day every day because I run a digital marketing company 

(shameless plug, heh)

but just because I use it and read about it all the time and think about it from a strategic perspective doesn't mean that I'm using it in a way that adds value to my personal life.

I plan to spend less time aimlessly scrolling through Instagram while I watch binge-watch something on Netflix, and more time painting or drawing while I binge-watch, listen to a podcast, or work through an audiobook.

I plan to spend less time RTing and Liking, and commenting instead. 

Taking the time to answer those question boxes on Instagram stories and having small conversations with real people more often.

I plan on ReTweeting fewer white men. 

Someone on the most recent Pod Save America episode pointed out that lots of influential journalists and politicians are white men, and that they were going to make a point to RT more diverse perspectives than those of the de-facto white guy in the room.  

I liked that point, and am going to try and do the same. 

I want to read more books.

I read a lot of articles, but I don't read as many books as I'd like. This is problematic for me because, while reading lots of articles helps me construct a well-rounded model of an idea or concept, sinking down into a book offers me the chance to go much deeper on a subject than stringing together a bunch of articles tends to offer.

There's a great article about how reading books makes us more human that's informed my thinking a lot in this area.

I read a lot this past year, but I could have read more books if I'd put more effort into it. I got a bit lazy around summer, I think, since things were so busy. 

I still managed to read quite a lot, though: I read and was devastated by Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms which I read while we were in Belize. I read Ubik and Little Brother and a bunch of Ted Chiang short stories and others through book club; I read Crossing the Chasm which took me way longer than I'd have liked and Fire and Fury which was infuriating and scary, and a couple of others, too.

I also just finished reading Adult Onset by Ann-Marie MacDonald, which was terrific.

Making time to read is hard even if you love reading though. Life gets in the way. 

But I need to make more time for it because it helps me be a better 

writer

person

version of myself.

So this year I'm planning to carve out more time for reading books, which bodes well since we'll have a lot of free time during our flights to Thailand, and I can read quickly af.

If you have any suggestions for books I should read, tweet them at me.

I want to forgive more readily.

The older I get the less I want to hang on to the angry things that kept me from happiness when I was younger. 

I have a lot of things I can be angry about; plenty of things I can hold onto and wield like weapons. Things to keep me fired up, feeling angry, churning over thoughts and feelings.

And sometimes that happens, don't get me wrong. 

But I want to put those things down more quickly in the years ahead. 

Not just as it relates to my loony family, but as it relates to how I feel when I disagree with someone, or when I feel slighted or unheard or misunderstood. 

I've realized in the past few years that being intentionally happy and focusing on the positive things on purpose has only made me more happy over time. 

It also seems to have a positive impact on people around me, which is something I'd like to continue to foster.

There's a neat segment on the latest Hidden Brain podcast that talks about "contagious compassion" which relates to this concept that influenced how I think about this idea.

I plan on continuing to build on that because that seems like a good quality to cultivate in myself.

I want to spend more time with my food.

John and I already garden aggressively each summer, but finding new ways to cook, can, make jam, or otherwise do stuff with the food we buy and grow is something that gives me a sense of comfort and pride.

There's nothing quite like filling the house with the smell of simmering veggie scraps or chicken bones for broth 

(except the smell of soup made at a later date)

or spending an afternoon listening to Frank Sinatra and the old classics while slicing up cucumbers for pickling, or tomatoes for a salsa. 

Bonus points if there's a mojito or a well-garnished caesar nearby.

But there's more we can do to eat better, waste less, and be more creative with our leftovers and combining the odds and ends into our meals. 

So this year I'm gonna figure out some "kitchen hacks" and become an even better, less wasteful cook. 

I want to write more.

I've pigeonholed myself with my writing in the last few years, I think, and it's time to start exploring how to express myself using writing in other mediums.

I've downloaded Google Keep and am going to keep a list of notes, thoughts, phrases, and quotes collected as I go about my day. I've been using it over the past few days and it's been really rewarding to capture those little narrative moments as they happen. 

Maybe I'll write a book with them someday. Who knows.

I'm planning to experiment more with writing poetry, and not judging my poems so damn much. Most poems suck, anyway, so it's absolutely fine for mine to suck as well.

I'm also planning to start hashing out some short stories. Making sense of some of the ideas I've had rattling around in my brain since I read Stephen King's On Writing a few summers ago and promptly got "too busy" to expand on them.

It feels like the right time, so I'm planning to capitalize on that feeling in the future.

I want to do more crossword puzzles.

John and I do crossword puzzles on our phones together and it's become one of my favourite in-between activities that we do together. You know what I mean:

In-between prepping a meal and waiting for it to cook.

In-between getting ready for a ride and getting picked up.

In-between waking up and getting out of bed on the weekends.

It's a nice little mental stretch, and fun to do. 

We use Redstone Games' free app Crossword Puzzle, and so far have liked the collections from D. Diebold the best, I think. 

Happy 2019!

Whether 2018 was your best or worst year, I hope 2019 brings you the best of everything: friends, family, and personal and professional success. 

It's always nice to have an opportunity to reflect and plan for the future; thanks for reading!

Do you have any plans for the coming year? Any ideas you're planning to work on, or goals you've set for yourself? Tweet 'em at me and let's chat.

Tags: Thoughts 2019

 

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