February 28, 2018

I'm on a flight right now.

Sitting in a middle seat between a quiet dude and a lady with a baby with big brown eyes. The baby keeps grabbing my hair a bit and pulling, which hurts but not too much, so I'm not too bothered.

We've been in the air for a few hours and I've finished reading The Handmaid's Tale, which is the book I brought for the trip. I've read it before, but it's been nice to revisit it given the current political climate and recent tv series starring Elizabeth Moss.

Margaret Atwood manages to be so quietly sinister in her writing. I forgot how upsetting this book was.

But now that I'm done I have nothing to do, so I'm writing this and looking over the dude's shoulder out the window.

(I covet window seats, but I didn't book these so it wasn't up to me.)

We're descending into Pearson Airport right now and I can see Toronto in the distance. The sun is setting and it's misty. I can see the dim outline of the CN Tower against the misty lake.

There's a big, wide highway that leads from a suburb

(Mississauga? Brampton? Oakville?)

into the heart of the city. Like a big, thick vein.

An artery for cars.

I used to know the names of these streets, once. I pored over Google Maps, memorizing the streets and picturing myself walking down their sidewalks.

Once upon a time I daydreamed about disappearing into this big, noisy metropolis. Forgetting my name, history, family.

All the things I knew or believed about myself.

Starting over.

Every city has that appeal for someone, I suppose. People looking to start over. For an opportunity. A big break. A culture shock.

Or just to get out of their own damn hometown.

Toronto used to be that to me, once. I was obnoxious with how much I wanted to live there. How I compared it - unfairly, of course - to Winnipeg.

(How annoying I must have been.)

It's weird to see it now and feel that same familiar pull. Like a fish hook in my navel, pulling me towards those towers of glass. The possibilities.

But we're about to land and if I'm being honest I can't wait to get back to Winnipeg.

I miss home.