November 10, 2020

The last few days have felt like releasing a breath I've been holding in for a

long, long time

really slowly

feeling it empty my body in a way that's almost

tense, painful

but I gotta let go of it slowly because — god forbid — something happens
something goes awry

shenanigans
chicanery

I don't wanna lull myself into a false state of feeling good, feeling secure
feeling safe

that's what the past four years have felt like
the slow erosion of the feeling of

safety
confidence
hope

that I used to feel.

Saturday felt like a step
a small one, maybe
but an important one

back in that direction

a sharp 90-degree turn away from 

white supremacy
the erosion of
IGBTQ
BIPOC
and women's
rights

and the slow, creeping threat of authoritarianism
infecting so many places right now.

I cried before Kamala Harris spoke, when they said
"the Vice President-elect, Kamala Harris"
because I never thought I'd see a woman
let alone a woman of colour
up on that stage

in motherfucking Suffragette White, no less.

I cried when Joe spoke
because even though he's not quite progressive enough for me

I think he's a kind, decent person, well-intentioned person
and maybe that's what we need right now

but because it was so,
so nice
to listen to politics and not hear about Donald Trump

and for the rhetoric of politics to (finally, thankfully)
swing back to goodness
decency
and the belief that we all get better by working together

(which has honestly never seemed like such a crazy idea if you ask me)

I don't know what's gonna come. What chicanery's going to go down
and part of me is scared that this victory for

democracy
decency
progress

will somehow get ripped from me
from us

(because it's 2020 and Mercury is in Retrograde and who knows what else)

or maybe it's that I haven't felt this way in a long time
and I'm scared to let these feelings back in?

I guess we'll find out.

Deep breaths.