June 8, 2022

I haven't had one of these in a while. Not bad per-se; just a lot of
up-and-down emotions
to contend with.

John left for California this morning
his first work trip since the pandemic started
and while I'm excited to have a few days to myself, I found my emotions
running high, in an anxious sort of way

throughout the morning, jumping around after he left.

We kissed goodbye before he went to the airport and I went upstairs to keep working
writing proposals, making spreadsheets, comparing benchmarks
(the usual stuff)
but I found myself working at a
frantic, hurried pace
like I was rushing towards something
or expecting something to happen

when obviously it was just another workday.

I went downstairs to make lunch
(salad with tofu, my fav/go-to lunch)
and rushed through that, too
feeling that frantic, hurried tension in my chest
like I couldn't sit still
stop moving, slow down
catch my breath.

So I forced myself to stop.

I ate my lunch, finished my client-facing work and spent 20 minutes doing yoga
breathing in, breathing out, trying to stay present in my body
failing sometimes
but letting it go
(to the best of my ability, anyway)
releasing the tension, this now-unfamiliar-feeling in my chest

recognizing that being alone in a new house was weird
that it's normal to worry about the person I love going somewhere with high Covid cases
and that being apart after two years is gonna feel weird no matter what.

Breathe in
breathe out.

After my yoga I read my book club book
wrote some content for the Starling blog
answered some emails
and slowly felt the tension in my chest start to unwind

like a coil releasing its tension.

Breathe in
breathe out.

Later I went for dinner and drinks at One Sixteen with my friend Florence
who is the only lawyer I'm friends with
and the most down-to-earth lawyer I've ever met.

In addition to being a lovely human Florence is also the President of the Manitoba Chamber Orchestra, so when she asked me to see their final performance of the season with her of course I jumped at the opportunity.

Despite not being able to read music or play an instrument myself
I love chamber music
like, seriously adore it.

I joke that I'm so chatty that I'll talk forever without stopping if you don't interrupt me
and chamber music is the perfect
interruption
it takes me on an emotional journey
and instead of thinking about what to
think
say
respond with
I can sit back and let the waves of emotion created by the layers of music

wash over me.

It's freeing in a way that's hard to explain.

This concert featured an incredible Dutch musician who plays the recorder
(yes, the "Hot Cross Buns" recorder)
that blew my mind.

I've never seen anyone play the recorder like that
was fascinated by her performance, the intensity of it
how she moved with the instrument
added layers and sounds to the pieces she played.

I felt verklempt in a way I haven't in a long time
and today, I needed it
to get lost in emotion like that
to sit and take a journey
led by hands and instruments and effort.

Now it's 11PM and I'm sitting on my porch watching the sun fade from the sky

I walked home under the big, old elms that I love so much
breathing in the warm, sweet air
(and probably some dandelion seeds, but who's counting)
feeling happy and thankful and full of energy and emotion.

It's funny how different we can feel throughout the day
the ups and downs yr heart can take.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.