October 2, 2023

I feel stupid even writing this or feeling like I need to say it out loud because I advocate for people to go to therapy

ALL

THE

TIME

but when it comes to my own wellbeing of course that's the thing I'll neglect to the point where I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.

Somehow I've slipped into a place where even the best of days

the biggest business wins

the smallest things that used to light up my world

don't register anymore.

I feel numb and disconnected from my own life and the
many
many
many reasons I have to feel good.

I run a successful company that pays people well and that allows me to live a great life.

I do work I enjoy and I get to do value-driven projects and partnerships that make a difference in my community.

I travel to places where I get to stuff my face with tasty food and have experiences that a lot of people never even come close to having.

I have a partner who loves me

friends who love me

family who loves me

and people in my extended social circle who care about me 

but none of that makes a difference. Every day I wake up and wish I was still asleep

(except the nights where I have nightmares and wake up having a panic attack)

or that I wasn't even here

at all.

It's like I'm gaslighting myself about my own life and I feel so awful and stupid and like such a 

burden

because of this.

Like why can't I get my shit together? 

Why is everything so hard when it doesn't have to be?

Why can't I just stay fixed and stop needing to get someone else to help me glue the pieces of Me back together?

I feel like I let myself down

like I let the people I love down

and like I'm letting my business and my team down because I'm so

so

scared that talking about how hard things have been will impact my business somehow 

even though it's the only place I've been able to keep "showing up" lately and tbh I think that's one of the only things keeping me on-track.

But I'm a writer 

and writers gotta write, even when it's scary

(maybe especially when it's scary)

so here are the words that say 

I Am Not Ok Right Now

but I'm working on it.

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