Got my flu shot today
we picked the total wrong day to go because it's cold and windy and not at all nice like the unseasonably warm +4C it was yesterday
(can you say "global warming"? Yikes)
but whatever, I got the flu-jab and next week I'm getting the COVID-jab aka my booster shot so I guess getting needles on a regular basis is just going to be part of life from now on.
My COVID jab is the last "big" thing I have to do before the holidays. Earlier today I wrapped the last of Starling's quarterly planning sessions with our clients so all that's left to do is take care of some outstanding tasks, putting together a few proposals since business has become very busy all of a sudden
(which is normal for this time of year I guess but it always catches me off-guard)
and then I can coast into the holiday season on a wave of Christmas movies, music, wrapping presents and baking/cooking my face off since we're bringing food and snacks to our Christmas get-togethers.
This is the first year in a long time that I'll be spending Christmas with my parents. We reconnected back in the spring and come to think of it, a lot of this year has been spent reconnecting with people who I'd drifted away from or had falling-outs with.
(Except one person but you can't win 'em all I guess.)
It's trendy to dunk on the year that just passed but honestly I can't complain about much.
My business had its best year ever
I bought the beautiful house across the street from where I used to live
I brought lots of lovely people into my life
and!
I got vaxxed which meant I could
camp
and hang
and bike around with my pals like in the Before Times
and holy hell did the time away from the people I love give me a profound sense of gratitude for the weird, happy little life I've built for myself.
2021 blew 2020 outta the park as far as I'm concerned.
Tonight we're gonna go to The Tallest Poppy and celebrate a friend's 40th and tomorrow is D&D
(which I realize I've never mentioned here but yes, I play D&D now with a group of lovely humans)
and then we have a blissful weekend of No Plans which means powering through work and house stuff and setting myself to coast right tf into the holiday season and a week off of work
so three cheers for that.
Songs through the years
I'm 34 today.
In a way I feel like I've been alive forever
(maybe that's just how getting older feels)
but instead of writing some long diatribe about
birth
ageing
bithdays
and death
I thought maybe it would be interesting to list a few songs that have stuck with me through these 34 years
and the feeling that come up when I hear 'em.
So, happy birthday to me
and I hope that you enjoy:
If You Don't, Don't — Jimmy Eat world
My first feeling of heartbreak
too intense, too acute
for my age
but how was I supposed to know?
You aren't supposed to put
your whole heart
your whole self
every expectation
into a teenage boy.
But of course that's what I did
that's what we all do
when we feel these feels for the first time.
Didn't make it easier in the moment though.
Pornostartrek — U.S.S.
A snapshot, a Polaroid moment in time.
Sitting in Peter's Kia Spectra in a snowstorm.
Watching the snow bluster by as we sat at a four-way intersection near an off-ramp to the 401 highway waiting for the light to change.
The empty highway and shimmering snow and the darkness of the farmer's fields.
I knew something was wrong.
I knew it wouldn't last, could almost feel the end of this chapter of my life barrelling towards me.
Loving someone so much but knowing it wasn't right, wasn't forever, and that it was nobody's fault.
Sometimes
things fall apart.
Night Windows — The Weakerthans
We'd driven into Toronto for WinterFest together
but I was alone
I'd lost everyone as I wound my way to the front of the crowd
to close my eyes and feel it wash over me
words I'd later not be able to listen to for years.
It was warm for winter
(at least for me)
maybe -10 C
and we were in the process of looking for an apartment.
I wanted to lived downtown,
had big plans to live in the big city
imagined myself walking around in the equivalent of a Winnipeg spring coat
feeling smug, feeling cool
I never became that cool, big-city person
and in hindsight I think it worked out better that way.
Born Losers — Matthew Good
Finally feeling like someone understood how
sad, and hopeless, and worthless
I felt.
This album came into my life at the end of the worst part
the part where I was my
angriest
nastiest
most confused and lost
the part where I'd pushed away most of the people that I loved because I didn't believe that I deserved them and had left to try and get away from it and where I felt like the best I could do
was drink and get fucked-up
and write through it
and wouldn't you know it, that's what I did
for years.
this is me trying — Taylor Swift
Sad feelings. Feeling like the
years and years of effort
I'd put into someone, this big thing
didn't mean shit.
Trying to make sense of someone else's
misinterpretation
accusation
indignation
of you
out of the fucking blue
threw me for a loop for a long time.
Sitting in my basement in the old house
cutting up newspaper and pictures
thoughts and words and symbols
trying to make sense of it
and failing
because nobody talks about when adult friendships fail.
Exodus of the Year — Royal Canoe
Walking across the Osborne Bridge in a snowstorm
knowing I was going home to leave someone I loved.
That I was about to break someone's heart.
I didn't want to, believe me
I loved him and our friendship
but it wasn't right
and I couldn't pretend otherwise anymore
because that meant hurting someone I loved
and staying in a relationship that wasn't doing any of us
any good.
I walked home knowing he would hate me
that we'd probably never talk again
and I did my best to mourn the relationship, because with some people
you have to be the villain.
Too Much — Carly Rae Jepsen
Breathing in deep and filling my lungs with summer air.
Riding my bike down Assiniboine Ave after
a beer or two from The Common, at The Forks
one of my favourite places in the city
the feeling pumping through my veins and my earphones.
The dappled sunlight through the trees
golden and glowing and fleeting
in our four-season city.
Taking deep breaths and living in my body
my hands on the handlebars
the feeling of my legs and feet
moving the pedals.
In this moment I am
perfectly happy.
Here's hoping I feel that way a lot in my 34th year
cheers to it.
I’m sitting in the ER at HSC
I got into a pretty bad accident on my bike today.
I hit a pothole and flew over my handlebars and skidded along the road on my head.
My eyebrow is split open and I have a concussion, and earlier I could barely walk or understand what was going on.
Thank god I was wearing my helmet.
I’ve been in the ER for eight hours, and here are some things I’ve seen:
A man in a wheelchair pleading towards the nurses' station, saying
“Please nurse, my chest hurts.
Please help me, nurse”
and nobody helping him right now,
because they can’t
they have no beds for him.
A grandma on her phone,
blind, also in a wheelchair
telling her son that she’s been here since 8:30 AM
(st was 5 PM when she made that call.)
A young woman curled in a chair
feet tucked up under her
she asks the nurse for a blanket and the nurse tells her
they don’t give them out here
the girl starts crying
“I’ve been here since 2:30 PM” she wails
(she asked for a blanket around 6 PM.)
A man lying on the ground
on the “Covid symptom side” of the room
under a blanket, shaking
he was here when I got here at 4 PM
It’s 12:25 AM now.
All the while nurses
and doctors
and EMTs
and other hospital staff
have been running around
back and forth
stressed and tired
their eyes weary above their masks
doing their best to keep up
but it’s not enough.
There isn’t enough funding
not enough staff
not enough beds
to help everyone.
The hospital up the road from my house used to have an ER,
used to take some off the heat off HSC
but the Conservative government closed it a few years ago
and this scene is what we’re left with.
This is what happens when we defund health care.
This is what happens when we vote for Conservatives.
This is what happens when we look at people as dollars and cents
and not human beings who get sick
and get hurt
and need care.
And this is just one night when I happen to be here
for 8+ hours
to tell you about what I’m seeing.
Imagine what it’s like being here
every night,
trying to give all these people
timely, high-quality care
and being unable to
because the health care system you’re a part of
is stretching you
and everyone here
to the limit
every day.
Please
support our nurses
support health care workers
and never
ever
vote Conservative.
---
I was finally seen after 9.5/10 hours of waiting in the ER. A huge THANK YOU to the staff at HSC who took care of me and everyone else who was there yesterday. You're heroes and you deserve better than this broken, gutted, and under-funded system you're forced to operate within. I see you, and I appreciate you.
New house vibes
We’ve been in the new house full-time for just over two weeks by this point I guess
give or take a day or two
time has no meaning these days it seems.
Technically “the house across the street” has been ours since the first of August but since our lease wasn’t up we spent the month
painting
and painting
and painting
occasionally replacing lights
switching doors around
junking leftover furniture
but mostly painting
until the whole house from top to bottom didn’t look like
A House We’d Bought
but instead looked like
A Home We’d Made Together.
Once we had our bed moved over we swaddled up the cats and ran them across the street (which they hated) and spent a sleepless night with them huddled up in the bedroom as they cried and got stressed and made those weird yowling, almost-human sounds that cats make sometimes.
It took them a while but they're getting used to the place
even though I don't know if I have?
Every morning I wake up in my bright, third-storey bedroom and walk downstairs, then downstairs again and after spending most of the last decade of my life in one or two-bedroom apartments our house with its five bedrooms and sunrooms and den and library and dining room and everything else
feels cavernous.
What do you mean, my office isn't in a basement?
I have a whole room to make art in?
I have a kitchen that's big enough for two people to cook without bumping into each other?
Some days it still feels like I'm a kid living in my parent's house, or staying in a house that belongs to some other grownup
except now I'm the grownup
(when the hell did that happen?)
Last week there was a crazy thunderstorm so John and I sat out on the porch watching the lightning as the clouds rolled by. We talked about dumb stuff and serious stuff and laughed and got tipsy on wine and listened to the sound of the rain patter-patter-pattering out in the darkness of the street.
I've dreamed about having a porch, a house, a life exactly like this one and it's so good it almost doesn't feel real.
As we watched the rain fall we saw the lights go on in the house across the street
our old house
where we lived for years through roommates
upstairs neighbours
parties
fights
surprises, and small rituals that make everyday life so special
and slip by so fast.
Now that house belongs to other people
(good friends of ours, in fact)
and in a few weeks, months, years, it'll start to feel like that's where they've always been.
I know that's how it'll start to feel here, too
so I'm tryna hold onto this feeling of "newness" as long as I can.
Our possession date is coming
The end of my time at 120 Lenore Street is looming, staring me in the face
every day
every night
every morning.
One day closer.
Marching steadily towards the end of one of the best chapters in my life.
This house was where I realized that I needed to
take a leap
to leave a life where I was
comfortable, but unfulfilled
where I changed everything
turned it upside-down
to try something new
to take a chance on love
on fulfillment
on myself.
Where I did what I needed to do in order to live the richest, fullest life I could.
(And what a rich, full life it's been.)
This house is where I was afraid of growth
of change
but did it anyway
even though it was hard.
It's where is where I faced my fears
lost myself
came home to myself
put in the work
and where I've learned to say
I'm sorry.
Here is where I made memories, like
the blanket fort v 2.0
post-Folk Fest BBQs
Thanksgivings
Christmases
Halloween's
birthdays
and so many beer-fuelled late-night dance parties.
This house is where I started my business
at a little desk in the living room
with Toulouse in my lap and BJ on the desk
hammering away at my keyboard, tryna make it work
feeling hopeful and scared every morning for years.
I became friends with Alex here
put Adam to bed here
cackled with Amber here
and made more memories with the people I love than I can count.
I've been here for six and a half years and part of me still isn't ready to let go.
This house has been so good to me
and I hope I've been good to it in return
cause I'm going to miss it like hell.
Fully vaxxed as of Sunday
and I just had a lil cry about it
(in a good way.)
Every time my COVID anxiety creeps up I think
"you're fully vaccinated
the people you love are
almost
fully vaccinated
it's gonna be ok."
Aaaaaand now I'm tearing up again.
What a feeling after all this time.
Here's the weird thing about moving
as soon as you know you're leaving everything becomes
5000 times more annoying
(like an awkward cabinet
or a weird kitchen layout)
or 5000 times more important
(like BBQing on the deck or
standing in the spot where John asked me to be his wife)
I had a bath just now. One of the last I'll have here.
We have this huge soaker tub in the basement
with fancy jets
and though I love baths I feel like I haven't used it enough
so between now and when we take possession on our new place I'm committing myself to
at least a bath a week
which works out to five baths, minimum.
Usually I have a bath with a glass of wine
some candles, maybe incense
(because I deserve to treat myself, damn it)
and whatever book I'm reading.
It's my time.
I can turn off my brain and sink into the
familiar shapes of the words
and connect with a book in a way that's
harder, now
in my always-connected-iphone-business-owner world
where I'm pulled in a million directions.
Usually my baths are my getaways
but not tonight.
I tried, believe me.
I soaked with my wine
and my candles
and my copy of
The Essential Neruda
but instead of losing myself in love poems
I kept looking around
at the bric-a-brac of my life
our toothbrushes
my extendable mirror
John's trimmer, always charging
our towels hanging off the door
the little details of our days
together
that always started and ended
here
in a bathroom where I've
preened
cried
laughed
puked up my guts
had heart-to-hearts
showered off the grime from
festivals
and camping
and hosting costume parties
never realizing that the end was
just around the corner.
That's the weird thing about moving, it seems
even when you plan for it, it still takes yr heart by surprise.
Left the house a bunch today
I needed to renew my license so I biked to an insurance agency over on Academy that does walk-in appointments to renew yr MPI license
(that's Manitoba Public Insurance for my non-Manitobans)
I wish I could say that I did this in a timely manner but actually
my license lapsed and I didn't go in to renew
because the idea of going somewhere and taking off my mask in a business
considering how Manitoba has handled this crisis
(which hasn't been great, for my non-Manitobans)
freaked me out
and since I can order in
and I don't need to drive
I avoided it
until it was required of me like it was today.
So I rode my bike a bunch
there and back
and then
there and back again
since I had to go there twice
because of course MPI's website had to go down as I was there
which meant they couldn't print my temporary ID
(why does this always happen with time-sensitive stuff?)
so they sent me home and called me when the printer was working again.
Bike 1, 2, 3, and then 4.
But as I biked back and forth, and back and forth
I realized
this might be the most time I've spent
on my bike
going somewhere
altering my plans
talking to people face-to-face
in close to a year.
And as I cruised up and down Wolseley
which was 99% cyclists and runners
and families out for walks
on my way
to and from and to and from
doing something that would make me
a permanent member of this community
it made me realize
how much I've missed my neighbourhood
and how excited I am to be a permanent part of it.
(Also, we're buying a house hooray!)
A short list of things making me happy lately
Watering my garden every morning.
Standing in the sun
listening to a podcast
or to the birds chirping
watching our lil dirt babies grow.
The guy who walks by and ALWAYS makes a beer pun because we grow hops:
"Y'know, beer cures what ALES ya!"
"Better HOP to it you guys!"
"Those hops are gonna be LAGER than life soon!"
I love that our garden makes other people happy, too.
Toulouse's little paw on my face to wake me up in the AM.
(Okay this doesn't always make me happy
but it's cute as heck.)
Gettin' vaxxed a few weeks ago.
Then watching all my
friends, relatives
colleagues and loved ones
getting their jabs, too
rockin' a vaccinated attitude.
My little daily workouts.
Stretching in the AM
40 dips with weights
40 squat presses with weights
60 walking lunges with weights
plus 20 pushups because I have baby arms.
Sunday night "movie dates" with Jasmin.
Spending a few hours watching a cheesy movie
making art and drinking tea
(okay sometimes wine)
chatting with a dear friend about
anything and everything, really
has become one of the highlights of my week.
Planning distanced lunch dates with Tineke.
(Even if my orders don't always arrive on time, d'oh!)
Looking at my bank account.
Money's good
savings are tight
RRSP's bangin'
no debt in sight
(okay that last point isn't true but I can't talk about it yet.)
Talking to my parents again.
Today in "things that surprised everybody"
(including me)
Mom and Dad and I are talking again
and I see the effort they're putting in
how hard they want this to work
(just like me)
and it's a wonderful new addition to my life.
The Wolseley tree canopy.
One of the things I love about living in a
four-season city
is watching nature blossom back to life
transforming my neighbourhood
into a beautiful canopy of green leaves and blue sky.
The way Starling is growing.
We're hitting our stride as an agency
we have great name recognition
people value the work we do and see
what sets us apart from every other agency in town
and I'm so fucking proud of that.
Making art in my journal and being crafty.
After what feels like
decades, away from the creative part of myself
I'm rediscovering my creative side
experimenting, making weird art
not judging myself when things don't turn out "perfect"
and enjoying having a private place to explore my feels.
There have been times in my life which have felt
chaotic, stressful, and unmanageable
but right now isn't one of those times
everything feels like it's falling into place
or exactly where it should be
and I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
