May 13, 2014

for the past while

days, weeks, months, maybe

I haven't been myself.

I've been a shadow of my former self due to heartache and confusion and betrayal and all of that good shit that makes you
lie awake in the dark at night
feel heartsick all day every day
write secret poems and flowery letters that you burn immediately
and pore over
every word
text
syllable
and, inevitably
each silence
until you drive yourself mad with it.

We become so wrapped up in the versions of ourselves that we feel that we need to be
(or remain)
that we lose sight of what can, might, maybe make us happy
or, in some cases (like mine)
we try to avoid and run away from our problems and the difficult decisions that need to be made

until we start hurting other people.

which is basically the opposite of what you ever
ever
wanted to do.

And for the past while I've felt almost utterly unable to create anything of value.

Just broken words, broken promises, broken hearts.

Until today.

Maybe it's the text message conversation that I had
or that walk in the rain
crying sitting in the middle of all of my posessions
or the crepes with way too much butter
listening to The Smiths
or just sitting here and writing in a more open and freeing way than I've done in months

I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.

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