April 9, 2019

I wasn't at my best over the weekend.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and from the minute I got up everything felt overwhelming, negative, and frustrating. I snapped at John and I snapped at my friends and I posted some dumb shit to Twitter that I later deleted because I looked at what I'd said and realized that even though it felt good to call out some shitty behaviour I'd been made aware of in the moment, imitating that toxic behaviour didn't actually make me feel any better or help the situation at all.

We were planning to go to Electric Six on Sunday night and I spent most of the day in an anxious panic worrying that I wouldn't be able to handle being in a crowded public space trying to focus on a band I like and would spend the whole time

standing with that tingling, tight feeling in my face and stomach and throat 

kind of like the numbness that hits you just before you throw up or when you get some really bad news

and I kept saying "I can't, I can't, I can't" because I believed it.

Luckily John is an understanding and patient person and he said "babe if you need to stay home that's okay, but I want you to know I was really looking forward to seeing the show together"

which was hard for me to accept because of the baggage I have from years of having my feelings and needs invalidated and thrown in my face

but I wanted to try 

so I said "let's go to dinner instead of hanging around the house" and we went to Elephant & Castle and I had a really good burger with bacon and BBQ sauce and we laughed and talked about our super-secret project over pints of Guinness.

We talked to some ladies in town from Calgary sat down next to us and started chatting with us which seems to happen every time John and I go somewhere

and I deleted all the dumb shit I said online and reflected on it publicly 

(because it's good to 'fess up to when you're being a tit, I think, which I was)

and maybe it was the beer or maybe the music but when I started dancing in the crowd at Electric Six the numb feeling that was sitting in my gut and throat and face started to melt away, and it was nice to have a break from that feeling for a little while.