June 17, 2018

Because on one hand there are so many things I want to say about my father.

Some good. Most not-so-good.

It used to be the other way around, but the distance and time has highlighted the ways in which I compensated for his failures in my own mind. How I built up this image of a person, some broken-down dude who was just trying his best in an unhealthy marriage, to fill in the space created by two individual parents who fundamentally weren't any good at what they were doing.

Deconstructing that idea has been the hardest part of the last few years.

Thank god for therapy, loving relationships, and good friends.

Growing up I spent a lot of time in my Dad's office for a lot of reasons. Sometimes waiting. Sometimes crying. Sometimes just hanging out because I had nowhere else to go.

During those times I always seemed to find myself staring at one little print-out on his wall in particular. It went something like this:

"Kid, age 3: My daddy can do anything!

Kid, age 9: Dad? Oh, he knows some things I guess.

Kid, age 16: My dad doesn't understand anything that I'm going through!

Kid, age 25: My dad knows some stuff, sure. He's got some good advice.

Kid, age 45: Let's ask the Old Man for his thoughts on this one.

Kid, age 65: I wish I could still ask Dad about this."

At the time I'd read it and it would make me think about the fleeting nature of our relationships. How quickly we grow and change, and how soon my dad would be gone, and how important it was to make the most of the time we both had together as parent and child.

I don't know what he thought when he saw that poster, day in and day out.

I don't know if his thoughts about it changed as his kids got older.

As he got older.

After he told his oldest child and only daughter to "have a nice life."

On Father's Day I think of that poster, and of my dad.

I wonder what he would ask me, if he could.

Because I have a laundry list of things that I'd ask him.

Every year on Mother's and Father's Days I make a donation to Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Winnipeg. If you also have family issues that get you down, or if you feel like your parents failed you and wished you'd had some better role models growing up, please consider donating.