January 10, 2020

Plus a day, but who's counting.

By this time next week John and I will be in Belize, on our way to the island of Caye Caulker.

We've been there before 

(you can read about that here, here, here, here, and here)

but this time we'll be joined by 34 of our nearest and dearest because omg we're finally getting married. I just finished writing my vows and

spoiler alert

I think I nailed it.

Getting married has been a weird experience, because even though we're doing an unconventional destination wedding those "traditions" find a way of sneaking in and making me realize

oh, right, my father isn't walking me down the aisle

and

oh, right, I won't be needing photos with my relatives because none of them are coming

which makes me either really sad or really relieved, depending on how I'm feeling when it comes up.

On Sunday I'm writing letters to all my relatives who won't be there. My therapist suggested it as a way of "putting down" my feelings, so I'm gonna write a bunch of letters that I won't send, probably cry a lot, then run a bath and make chicken parm and watch a movie and take time to just

sit with these disappointed feelings for a while before letting them go

because there's so many positive things I want to focus on instead.

Like how seriously Adam is taking officiating our ceremony

how Katrina has put some much time and energy into sewing my wedding dress from scratch

the number of times Kim has checked in to see how I'm doing

all our friends and family who've messaged us to say how excited they are

how excited I am to share such an amazing, beautiful place with them

and how much lobster I'm gonna eat.

In a way if feels like I've been preparing for this moment for years. Readying myself for the day when I allow myself to be accepted into a family who want me, and love me, and who choose me just like I choose them.

A few weeks ago my little brother stopped by. We were talking about the wedding, and he said "as far as I'm concened, once you get married you're not one of us anymore"

which came across harsher than I think he meant, but it didn't hurt my feelings

because maybe he's right

and maybe that's not so bad, after all.