Having a Family of Choice

October 13, 2015 - 3:32pm - by Alyson Shane

Yesterday I spent my Thanksgiving surrounded by some of the people who matter most to me. We made dinner, had drinks, shared stories, and otherwise enjoyed each other's company. It was a terrific way to wrap up the long weekend, and I'm still glowing just thinking about how much fun it was.

This is the first Thanksgiving I've had without my family in a long time, and as we move into a season where, traditionally, we spend more time with our families, I wanted to talk a little bit about creating a Family of Choice, and how it's helped me.

Some backstory

For those of you new to this blog, I haven't communicated with my parents since last winter. Shortly after the new year I decided to seek out therapy and to start to work through a variety of anxieties and issues related to self-worth that were the result of my relationship with my mom, and one of the things my therapist suggested was to take some space from my mom while I focused on healing.

Needless to say asking for space didn't go over very well, and the fallout was that now neither of my parents speak to me. As a result I don't really speak to any of my extended family, and have very limited contact with my two younger siblings.

I don't talk about it very often because it's a difficult topic to discuss; most people have pretty solid relationships with their families, and even the ones who have rocky ones generally maintain some level of contact with their families despite regular drama and other issues that families deal with.

On being 'No-Contact'

I think that one of the hardest things that adults face is whether or not we should keep negative people in our lives. For many of us, there's that one relationship that we know we shouldn't maintain, but we do so because (often) we feel guilty about not maintaining it.

Think about that one "friend" who you don't really like, but always get invited around because they've always been there, or that family member who you despise but still invite to Christmas because you "have to."

Stop the madness! You never "have to" do anything that upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

If someone is making you feel bad, guilting you, or otherwise upsetting you on a regular basis, you don't have to include them in your life. Getting to be a part of your life is a privilege, not a right.

For example, I have a family member whose way of "helping" was to challenge me on every single thing I did - I shudder to think about the hours I spent defending all of my decisions, from who I was dating, to my career choice, to where I wanted to go on vacation. It was insanity! I'd see their name pop up and my blood pressure would rise just thinking about the argument that was going to ensue.

If someone in your life is making you feel this way -your parent, friend, colleague, whatever- you have a right to ask them to stop. If they respect you, they will. If not, then it's okay to not politely explain why they don't get to be privy to your life and decisions anymore.

Creating a Family of Choice

"Family of Choice" is just what it sounds like: the people you choose to have around you in your life, and who are close to you. These people differ from your "Family of Origin" which are your blood relatives; mum, dad, siblings, etc.

I've heard lots of people make comments like "friends aren't the same as family" which I think is total BS. I really feel like many of us use "they're family" as an excuse to put up with meddling, guilt, and other nonsense that we wouldn't otherwise put up with from anyone else. How insane is that?

Being blood relatives doesn't (and shouldn't) make maintaining one relationship more important than maintaining others, and just because someone isn't related to you by blood, that shouldn't diminish the importance of the relationship.

Being close to your Family of Choice is just as good as being close to your Family of Origin, if your situation permits it - there's no law stating that just because you weren't born into the same family, that you can't care about someone the same way you would a blood relative.

Creating and cultivating my Family of Choice has been a really important part of navigating this whole No-Contact experience for me. Knowing that I have a handful of close friends whom I can turn to in a crisis helps alleviate feelings of loneliness or isolation which I occasionally feel when thinking about my present circumstances.

In addition to being a support system, a healthy Family of Choice can also serve as a benchmark for other relationships in our lives. Why would we want to spend time talking to or putting up with people who make us feel bad, or tear us down, when we have a support system of great people we can reach out to instead?

Why does all of this matter?

It matters because we have a right to be happy, and to surround ourselves with kind, positive people who care about us and want to see us succeed.

Most of the time this is pretty easy to do; lots of us are lucky enough to have defaulted into families who are supportive, and manage to find great friends, partners and colleagues whom we care about, and who want the best for us, as well.

However, it's easy to start to fall into the habit of allowing negative people to start to infiltrate our lives, and to start giving them too much weight and authority over our thoughts and our actions. This can be especially true if we've grown up in a family, or have that one family member, who makes us feel like shit. We put up with it because we're used to it.

Creating a Family of Choice means that you get to choose the people you want to share your life and experiences with. It means taking control over your own happiness, and ensuring that everyone who touches your life does so in meaningful and positive ways.

I didn't write this post to encourage you to cut out your family or anything like that, but I wanted to write something to let you know that we can look to outside sources (friends, partners, colleagues, mentors, etc) to help us feel fulfilled and loved. It's hard, and it's a weird process, but it does work and it's worth doing if you aren't getting the supports that you need from your Family of Origin.

We all have the tools at our disposal to build the kind of families and lifestyles that we want to have - what that looks like is entirely up to you.

Have you ever struggled with letting go of a difficult relationship? Was it a friend, family, or loved one? Tell me in the comments, or if it's too personal, send me an email - I'm always available to chat.

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How to Stay Connected as a Busy Couple (Plus an Exciting Giveaway!)

October 9, 2015 - 5:14pm - by Alyson Shane

When you're in a long-term relationship it can be easy for the magic to fade away. Conversations rife with sparks eventually become lacklustre discussions and you find yourself spending more time less time lookin' fine and more time in that baggy old ugly T-shirt you got from your work several years ago (team building exercise '99!)

Staying connected can be enough of a challenge for most couples, but when you're trying to maintain a healthy, happy relationship while also balancing a crazy professional career, side projects, spending time with friends and family, and all the other good stuff that comes with being a responsible, driven adult, it can seem even more taxing to spend time keeping your relationship kickass.

Since the past few months have been such a whirlwind for both John and I, I figured I'd take a moment on a laid-back (almost) long-weekend Friday afternoon to reflect and share some insight into what's worked for us so far:

Learn Your Love Language

A few weeks ago I was browsing Reddit, and I came across a thread where one of the posters talked about couples' "love languages," and how understanding how both parties in a relationship express their affection is a key component to you both feeling loved.

Here's an example: I like to clean, and one of the ways that I demonstrate my love is by taking care of chores like laundry, dishes and etc which I know John doesn't like doing. I show my love by making his life easier. John, on the other hand, shows his love by telling me every day, singing songs to me and holding my hand, giving me hugs, being silly, etc.

Many people in my situation would just assume that he's lazy, or doesn't care about helping me, but what's actually going on is that I'm basing my expectations for his behaviour on how I behave, not how he behaves. It's important to understand and recognize this distinction.

When we take the time to understand how both parties express their love it makes communicating a million times easier, and nobody feels neglected or put-out by their partner's behaviour.

The test I'm talking about is called The 5 Love Languages and you can take it here.

Practice Active Listening

When the day is over and both your heads are swimming with information from your respective busy days, it can be tempting to want to zone the hell out and not dive into a deep discussion. However, it's important to ask your partner how their day went and actually listen to the words coming out of their mouth.

It can be tempting to nod your head and give the token "yeah, that's good" reply, but (spoiler alert) people can tell when you're placating them, and it's pretty disrespectful to your partner to tune them out while they tell you about what happened that day.

The best way to avoid the classic "mmhmm, that's nice dear" reply is to practice active listening. Active listening is when you listen to someone and then reply by repeating back what you've heard, either by re-stating or paraphrasing what you've heard in your own words.

Not only does this show your partner that you give a shit about what they've said, it also helps clarify the message and meaning, and make sure there's no confusion.

If you're feeling overwhelmed at the end of the day (as I sometimes am) it's totally okay to say "hey, I need some mental downtime, can we chat in a bit?" and then go for a run, or take a bubble bath, or read, or whatever you need to do to de-frag your brain. As long as that communication is there and your partner feels listened to and valued, that's what counts.

Schedule Some Downtime

One of the most difficult things for super-busy couples to manage is getting some freaking downtime. When you're both managing extremely demanding careers, going out to events several times a week, working on side projects, and maintaining a social life, it can be extremely difficult to find time to just hang out.

Admittedly, I really struggle with having "downtime" which doesn't really help. My idea of downtime is usually doing projects around the house, writing, or doing other things that need doing.

Sometimes though, you have to set aside some time and just hang out with each other and enjoy each other's company. This could mean anything: read books together, watch a movie, make dinner, play video games... whatever classifies as "downtime" for you, do that and do it as often as you can.

Hook Up (aka "Netflix & Chill")

I don't want to get into too much racy stuff here, but staying physically connected is such a huge part of any romantic relationship, and unfortunately it's one of the first things that seems to evaporate the second couples start to get overwhelmed in other areas of their lives.

I've experienced this personally, and can attest to the fact that when your physical relationship starts to wane, eventually so too does your attraction to your partner, and eventually any romantic interest you may have had goes away as well. At that point you might as well call it quits because you're basically just friends at that point (or roommates, if you live together.)

So the next free evening you have available schedule some time with your partner put on a movie that you've both seen a million times before (you know the one) and "chill."

Plan Dates

When you're busy almost every night of the week it can seem impossible to figure out when to make the time (or the effort, really) to go out for a real, legitimate, you-and-your-significant-other date but it's so, so important.

Courtship is crucial to maintaining all that other good stuff I talked about earlier in this post. Courting isn't just about showing up with flowers (though that helps), it's about putting in the effort, making plans, dressing up and going somewhere spectacular where you have an amazing time together.

We should always strive to be 'dating' our partner, no matter how long we've been with that person.

One of my favourite dates was the day last summer when John and I biked to Assiniboine Park and explored the zoo together. We packed a picnic, a bottle of wine, and the book we were reading together and had a tremendous afternoon.

Do John and I have any dates planned in the near future? I'm glad you asked! Besides going to Gogol Bordello for my birthday (OMG!) we're going to be checking out Mahlerfest, presented by the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra.

Even better, the good people at the WSO have given me an additional pair to give away to one of my readers!

Here are the deets (via the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra website)

At the time of his death Mahler had completed two movements of his Tenth Symphony and sketched the remaining movements. A performing version was made by Deryck Cooke: “A masterpiece of reconstruction,” Neville Cardus wrote in The Guardian, “sounding the voice of Mahler and of nobody else.” We are proud to present a WSO premiere, hosted by the eminent writer and Mahler scholar Norman Lebrecht.

This performance also features a Viennese-style masquerade following the performance, which the audience is invited to attend.

Want to win tickets to Mahlerfest? Of course you do!

Here's how you do it: leave a comment and tell me about your favourite date.

It could be anything - maybe you went skiing and sipped hot chocolate together; maybe you went to the library and left Post-Its in all the books you've read; maybe you skipped stones on a pond and made out beneath a huge oak tree. Whatever! I want to hear it!

I'll be choosing a winner by October 26th, which gives you plenty of time to dig through your box of memories as well as make sure your calendar is clear on the 31st.

Good luck!

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In My Community: the CEO Sleepout + why it matters to me

August 21, 2015 - 11:49am - by Alyson Shane

Yesterday I attended the press release for the 5th annual CEO Sleepout, organized by the Downtown Winnipeg BIZ.

The CEO Sleepout, which is in it's fifth year, aims to create employment opportunities for Winnipeg's homeless community, and to create dialogues among over 150 CEOs, community leaders, and media about our role in addressing and eliminating homelessness in our city. In the past four years the Sleepout has raised over $600,000 from the private sector, which has helped employ nearly 137 people experiencing homelessness for more than 51,000 hours of employment - with many of them returning to school or finding permanent full-time work.

On September 24th members of Winnipeg's business community (myself included) will spend a night on the streets at Portage & Main, discussing issues and possible solutions to end homelessness, touring downtown with individuals who have experienced homelessness to hear about their personal stories, and spending a night outside to experience a small taste of what it's like to be homeless in Winnipeg.

I'm really excited to be participating, and helping to raise money and awareness for this amazing cause.

I grew up being quite sheltered. My parents moved me to a suburb called Riverbend when I was a kid, and with downtown a solid 45-minute bus ride away, I didn't spend a lot of time in our downtown core as a young person. I'm pretty embarrassed to admit this, but the first time I spent any time in the Exchange District was at 18, and I spent the entire time gripped with fear that a homeless person would accost me and take all my stuff.

Part of the problem of growing up in a suburb is that you develop a very "us vs them" mentality about your own neighbourhood versus the downtown of your city. In Winnipeg, at least, many of our young people (myself included) grow up holding extremely prejudiced and narrow-minded views about homelessness, Aboriginal issues, and individuals experiencing poverty. We don't see the issues that plague people experiencing poverty and homelessness as something that we need to address because we can simply hop in our cars and drive back to our sprawling suburbs, ignoring the problem completely.

I'm fortunate that I grew out of this phase in my thinking. When I moved out of Riverbend I lived in Osborne Village for a year, and then to West Broadway in order to be closer to school (I attended the University of Winnipeg, where the entire campus is located downtown.) West Broadway is one of the poorest neighbourhoods in the country, and living in a mixed-use and mixed-income neighbourhood, and attending a school like the University of Winnipeg which encouraged discussion about the specific challenges that Winnipeg faces in terms of public discourse and action to combat homelessness, was an eye-opening experience.

I started to see Winnipeg, and the people in it, as my responsibility. Living downtown and getting involved gave me a sense of community that I'd never felt while living in Riverbend; suddenly I wanted to see my city thrive and succeed because it meant that everyone -not just me- would get to benefit from it's success. A rising tide lifts all boats, as the old saying goes.

I was lucky: I experienced a specific set of circumstances which allowed me to develop beyond the close-minded views I had been raised with. However, many people in Winnipeg (and elsewhere) still consider homelessness and other socio-economic issues to be something that simply "isn't their problem."

That's why I decided to get involved with the CEO Sleepout. I want to raise awareness about an issue that concerns all of us, whether we live in Riverbend, Wolseley, St. Boniface or Transcona. Everyone in Winnipeg has a responsibility to do our best to make our city a better place to live - for ourselves, our kids, and for everyone else who calls Winnipeg 'home.'

I'll be collecting donations until the day of the event, so please give generously and consider donating your time to help out at local shelters and resource centres like Siloam Mission and RaY: Resource Assistance for Youth.

Ending homelessness won't be an easy task, but by working together and raising awareness we can start to make real change in our city. Let's do it together.

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How to deal with "Impostor Syndrome"

August 6, 2015 - 4:09pm - by Alyson Shane

I'm a fraud and eventually everyone is going to figure it out.

Do you ever feel that way? I do. I've felt that way a lot in the last year since I started really putting effort into my business. I frequently feel like one day everyone is just going to open their eyes, rub the sleep out of them and say oh hey you're actually just a giant impostor! and then chase me out of town.

This feeling -which isn't uncommon, by the way - people from Tina Fey to Neil Gaiman and Seth Godin have discussed their struggles with it- is characterized by behaviours like:

• Acting dismissing when praised
• Putting peers up on a pedestal
• Feeling reluctant about accepting new responsibilities or challenges
• Fear of failure
• Worrying that others will "discover" their shortcomings and condemn them for it

“The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you. It’s Impostor Syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened the Fraud Police.” – Neil Gaiman

While I think that this feeling has always persisted in some people (maybe all of us, who knows?) it seems to be that much more pronounced now that we have to project airs of confidence and sell ourselves not just in person, but online as well.

There's a pressure to sell yourself and your abilities, while also remaining "authentic" (something I've talked about a lot.) We feel the pressure to be perfect, but we also have to be as open about our lives and our struggles as we can. We feel the need to be perfect, but we also have to be free to fail and to be open and transparent about those failures.

Trying to walk this tightrope can feel exhausting, and it practically sets you up to feel like a fraud.

As someone who also deals with anxiety on a regular basis (super awesome!... not) this can compound feelings of fakery and throw a huge wrench in my productivity, confidence, and my overall quality of life.

Here's how I deal (and how you can, too!)

Accept that you played a role in your successes. The good things in your life didn't just fall into your lap, you know. You hustled your ass for what you have; you said yes when you could have said no; you took that challenge. You get my drift.

Focus on the value you provide. The fastest way to get over fraudulent feelings is to help people and share what you know (hence this post.) This can be hard because there are so many what-ifs: what if people hate what you have to say? What if they make fun of you? etc etc.... the trick is just to write what you know.

Know that you're going to die. I think about death every day. Not in a morbid sense, but I try to take time to remember that I'm only here for a very short time, and I don't want to spend my limited time in this world giving in to feelings that make me feel bad about myself.

Stop comparing yourself to people. That person, especially. You know the one: the person who's where you want to be, who's written more, shared more, built a bigger business, whatever. Emerson said, “Envy is ignorance…” and he was totally correct. We're inundated with photos, tweets, Vines, etc showing off people's awesome lives, but we never see their struggles. Take those people down off their pedestals in your mind and focus on how you can bring yourself up.

Remember that being wrong or making a mistake doesn't make you an impostor. World leaders make mistakes all the time, Tiger Woods doesn't play every game perfectly, Brad Pitt flubs his lines sometimes... you get my drift. People make mistakes every single day. It's okay that you did, too.

Realize that nobody knows what they're doing. Nobody knows exactly what they're doing, even though there are lots of people out there who will insist otherwise (these people are lying to you.) We live in a world where we have to muck through the mud to get to there we want to be -you, me and everyone else.

Fake it till you make it. Ugh! So clichéd! But it's true. Just like how smiling tricks your brain into feeling happier, putting yourself out there and simply acting like you're 100% confident will start to translate into reality. Neuroplasticity is a wonderful thing, and it means that you can shape your brain by pretending to be what you want to be.

Do you ever feel like an impostor? What steps have you taken to overcome these feelings? Tell me in the comments (or shoot me an email if it's too personal)

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Going Solo: Reflections on 31 days of running my business full-time

August 4, 2015 - 8:19pm - by Alyson Shane

Last Saturday, on August 1st, I passed an important personal milestone:

I'd spent 31 days (a whole month) running my own business full-time.

While this might seem insignificant to some people, it's a really big deal for me. As I've said many times on this blog, I never thought I'd be the kind of person who could run their own business. I was raised with the the mantra of "get a job, stay there, keep your head down and work there until you retire," and the idea of working for myself and being the only person in charge of my own future was really, really scary.

So when I sat down at my desk on my first day of work I felt this huge rush of exhilaration: okay, I'm here. I'm actually doing this... holy shit I'm actually doing this.

(I haven't really lost that feeling, yet.)

The last month has been a whirlwind of activity. Meetings, emails, and more work than I'd imagined. Whoever said that running your own business was easy is lying to you. I don't really know what I expected when I started this adventure, but I wanted to share a few things that have stood out to me over the past several weeks because while some of them were totally expected, others really caught me by surprise.

Here's how things have gone:

My productivity has skyrocketed

Even though this is my first month running my business full-time, I've actually been running it since June of 2014, taking on contracts in addition to my 9-5. This meant that for over a year I was going and working at my desk job (which wasn't terribly rewarding, and sapped a lot of my creative energy) and then working on client stuff in the evenings.

Spoiler alert: this can be exhausting. There were days where I would literally be working from 9am to 1am the following morning, then getting up to go to work and do it again the next night. It sucked.

Sure, there are days when I'm less productive, those happen to everyone, but overall I can churn out significantly more content for myself and my clients now that my time is 100% committed to doing so. I'm not as tired, I'm not as worn-out, and I actually do what I love to do, which is the largest motivating factor.

Additionally, I think that we pick up a lot of bad habits when we work for someone else. There's a lot of "looking busy" or "killing time" that happens at a traditional office job that simply isn't an option when you work for yourself. I'm the only person in charge of my own time, and I have to be accountable to myself.

On that note...

Taking ownership of my own time has been weird

A few weeks ago I had lunch with Dave Shorr and he said "I do all my grocery shopping on Tuesday mornings. Everyone is at work, and I do in 20 minutes what would take me two hours after work. Then I go home and work all day."

I remember being surprised by how casually he brought this up, but now that I've been in the groove of things for a few weeks I totally see his point: understanding how you can "hack" your schedule to make the most of your time can make a huge difference in your productivity levels.

When we work in a traditional office-type setting our time is never really our own. There's always a boss to report to, someone breathing down your neck who is judging how you spend your time "on the clock," and the possibility that you might be reprimanded for not using it in a way that they feel is acceptable.

Owning my time has been the biggest challenge for me this month. When you grow up learning that someone else is in charge of your time, it can be really weird to take ownership of it and use it in the best way possible.

This isn't to say that I'm less accountable than I used to be - in fact, I have more "bosses" today than I did a month ago -but what's different is that (by and large) clients don't care when you do your work, they just care that it gets done. When you do it is up to you.

My to-do list is my best friend

This was John's big piece of advice for me: every day, or once a week, sit down and write out the things that you need to get done. Check them off when you're finished, and cross the whole page off when it's complete!

Every Monday morning I sit down at my desk and write out my to-do list for the week. I include meetings, emails that need to be dealt with, content that needs to be scheduled, etc. I do this for my client work, but I also include a section of my own personal business development goals as well. Am I meeting someone for lunch? In the checklist. Am I planning to reach out to someone? In the checklist it goes!

Having a concrete reminder of what I need to do helps me stay focused and organized, which is a huge boon because working for (and by) yourself can often feel scattered, and it's very easy to get distracted. Having a physical list to go back to and revisit helps me give a sense of order to my days.

Additionally, my to-do list is ever-evolving. I'm not (and will never be) one of those "inbox zero" kinds of people - I'm constantly adding to it, revising, re-thinking, and trying to figure out ways that I can be more productive in less time.

There's no shame in asking for help

I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing without the advice and insight that I've been able to glean from a ton of people: John (obviously), Les, Kyla, Andrea, Jodi, Louie - these are all people who have taken the time to talk to me and give me advice on how to run my business, be efficient, reach out to people, you name it.

I grew up being afraid to ask for help. I felt shame in not-knowing, and actually botched a job opportunity in the past because I was too afraid to speak up and say "hey, I need some guidance over here." I let my own pride and guilt get in the way of being successful, and that's something that I've had to quickly learn to get over. No more being afraid of not-knowing. Period!

I can do whatever the hell I want to do

I didn't want the tone of this post to get too self help-y or preachy, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that every. single. day. this month has been like a slap in the face, reminding me "you can do it if you try."

I mentioned my upbringing at the beginning of this post, and I don't think that I'm the only one who grew up learning this mentality. Our society teaches us that we need to "play it safe" (whatever that means) and that depending on someone else for our paycheque (and in many cases our sense of self-worth) is safer than depending on ourselves to find the value in our work.

We're taught that it's "too hard" and "too challenging" and that people who try are "so brave" (or, if the person you're talking to is a jerk, "so stupid") for putting themselves out there and giving it a shot; as though being in business for yourself is this unattainable pedestal that only the super-driven or super-lucky can attain.

This past month has taught me that those statements are utter bullshit.

There are always going to be creeps in your life who don't want you to challenge yourself; maybe it's your conservative family, maybe it's a naysaying friend, maybe it's a boss who made you feel like dirt every day (I've dealt with all of those). It doesn't matter. If you want to do it, then go for it.

And if you don't know where to start, shoot me a message. I'm always down to chat.

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To my Grandmother in her hospital bed in Toronto

May 18, 2015 - 9:31pm - by Alyson Shane

I asked about calling or sending you flowers but it seems that
you're so close to death that there isn't any point
the doctors
they say that this might be it.
But how can this be it?

You, my immortal grandmother
whose laugh lines and permed hair
somehow made you look
decades younger
than your ninety-odd years
How could old age catch up with you?

Part of me believed that it never would
I suppose.

I assumed that you would use your
razor quick wit
nimble fingers adorned with heavy rings
the cane the doctor made you start carrying
to fend it off
until the end of time.

It seems impossible to think of you
sinking into a too-big hospital bed
smelling of chemicals instead of Eau de Parfum
collarbones poking out from a paper gown
which has no pockets to put tissues
and little lemon-drop candies.

You, my grandmother
who lived on Mountain Avenue since you were two
in a house that hosted four generations of our family.
I wish I could carry you back there
to sit in the old, wicker furniture
and watch the cars go by.
"The blue one is mine, the red one is yours."

But I will accept whatever happens
because there's no point in
raging
against the universe
but
if something happens
I hope that you know that you were loved.

That you are loved, still
that you you exist in the marrow of my bones
in my crooked pinky finger
along the curve of my jaw
in my wavy, unmanageable hair
and the memory of you that lives on through me.

You are always my
Grandma.

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Life, Patios, New Projects, etc!

April 29, 2015 - 5:31pm - by Alyson Shane

Woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks. It's been weird not writing about my day-to-day goings-on so here's a quick summary of what's been up in the non-content marketing parts of my life:

Last Thursday I hauled myself out to the Club Regent Casino in Transcona (when does anyone go there? I'm never in that end of the city!) with ChrisD, Britt, Nesta and a bunch of other local media-types at the Winnipeg Wine Festival Taste Chile Media Dinner.

The food was absolutely incredible and the wines were delicious. This year's Wine Festival features Chilean wines, which are my favourites, so I was all too happy to attend and support Special Olympics Manitoba!

This past weekend was absolutely amazing weather-wise and I dragged John outside basically from dawn till dusk. Sunday we relaxed on the patio at Beachcomber's at The Forks and took our first summertime selfie!

(Expect to see tons of those in my Instagram and Twitter feeds this summer, guys. Sorry/notsorry.)

One of my favourite things about living in Winnipeg is how many people you see outside the moment spring shows up. The weather is so cold in the winter and while hibernating for half the year makes for great creative time, it's so nice to be able to get outside and actually enjoy the city.

Speaking of John, his company The Campfire Union is developing a virtual reality version of the tabletop game Lost Cities for the Gear VR! We've played the game a few times at Across the Board and it's super fun, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how they make it shine in virtual reality!

Lately it seems like everyone in my life is up to so many cool things, it's so inspiring!

Since my last personal-type post I've been making a concerted effort to try and be more positive day-to-day, and to not let the things that bother me overwhelm me too much. I've been a bit of a handful recently emotionally and it feels good to be getting a sense of balance back in my life again (the nicer weather probably helps - it's easier to feel good when it's nice outside).

I've also been relying really heavily on my Pacifica app recently. I realized that in the month or so when my emotions were overwhelming me I wasn't using the app as often as I had been previously, and I realized that the mindfulness that 'checking in' to the app a few times a day gave me really helped me reflect and seek balance day-to-day.

Managing my anxiety is hard, but it's a learning process, and I'll only get better with time and practice.

In other news...

Happy Wednesday!

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Why I Haven't Been Around

April 21, 2015 - 8:58pm - by Alyson Shane

Things have been difficult lately.

Not life; life overall has been incredible. In the past few months I've had amazing opportunities fall into my lap, made new connections and friends, and started to take some serious action in terms of my own personal growth.

My mind has been difficult lately, though, which is why you haven't seen much of the "real" (non-professional) me on this blog recently. It's easy to crutch on my Crowdfunding Crash Course project, or to whip an article about content marketing together because it's knowledge that I can easily make sense of and put into words.

Anxiety doesn't work that way. It makes you mute. It makes you hole up inside yourself and just dig deeper and deeper, and you don't even realize you're doing it until someone points it out.

The other day, after a full-blown anxiety attack John said to me "have you been doing any writing therapy lately? You used to write all the time - when was the last time you wrote about things?" and I realized that I haven't. Going back through my posts, the last time I wrote something "personal" was March 5th, when I wrote "To My Family, Who Read This Blog."

It occurred to me, then, that that's what has been eating at me: since my family cut me out I've been allowing my anxiety to build inside of me because it's always in the back of my mind. It's hard to land speaking opportunities, new clients, meet new people and not be able to call my dad and say

"Hey Dad, guess what just happened!"

It's even harder not to be able to call and say

"Hey Dad, how are you? I love you, and I really miss you, and I wish that you were able to have the kind of relationship with me that I'd like us to have."

It eats at me some days.

I think about my brothers a lot. I think about how they're younger than I am, and how they grew up with this idea that I'm this weird black sheep who just can't conform to what my parent's expectations are. I worry that they think that I'm a bad person because I'm not around to show them otherwise, because I know that that's the narrative that they're hearing: that I'm selfish. That I'm blaming everyone except myself. That I should just "suck it up."

I think about my mom a lot. My mom who refused to speak to me after I reached out to her; who stepped away from me and cast me out because I finally stood up for myself. My mom, who taught me so many negative behaviours and who has been the cause of so much of my stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. It's hard to disentangle myself from her influence, especially when she holds the keys to the cage in which the rest of my family resides, and manipulates everyone within it.

I think about my dad a lot, especially. I think about my dad every single day. I try to be objective and realize that, ultimately, the decision to not speak to me was, and continues to be, his own. But he's my dad. I'm his only daughter and I always assumed that, no matter what, he would be there for me. However he's also a person, one with flaws and issues just like everyone else, and it's unfair of me to put him up on a pedestal just because he's my father. Honestly though, that's been the hardest part so far.

The problem with thinking, and anxiety, is that it gets you caught up in these negative thought loops - your thoughts spiral downward and you get stuck running over the same comment or situation over and over. Everything suddenly becomes a really big deal.

Which explains why every small issue that's come up in my life has also become a really big deal: because I have this huge issue looming over my life constantly which amplifies everything else. Every good thing is really, really good, and every bad thing is really, really, tremendously bad.

Which leads me to this post. These words, on this page, the over-sharing and stream of consciousness writing that, as I type these words on the screen helps lift that giant weight up off my chest. I need to remember that writing is therapy, and that I have a safe place, here on my blog, where I can write as much and as often as I need. That it's okay to be going through this and talking about it openly.

Thank you for being here, and for listening.

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To My Family, Who Read This Blog

March 5, 2015 - 7:35pm - by Alyson Shane

Hello.

I know you're there.

I've been told by a few of you on a couple of occasions that you intermittently read what I post here. That it upsets you. That you don't understand why I do any of this.

That's okay. I don't expect you to.

Because I'm not like any of you. I'm a writer. I find solace in the curves of words, in their permanence, in what is left unsaid between the paragraphs. Some people find comfort in a bottle, or the arms of a lover, but I find it in words. 

I don't know how I turned out this way. How I grew up to be such a demonstrably different person than I was ever told, encouraged, expected to be. 

But I'm thankful for it.

I'm thankful that I am learning to handle my anxieties and issues in positive, healthy ways; I'm thankful that I have people around me who support me; I'm thankful that I have this blog, my little corner of the internet, where I can pour out my heart and soul and thoughts when they overwhelm me.

I want you to know that I'm working on learning to accept that you can't and won't be the people that I so desperately need you to be. It's hard, but it's something that I will need to work on coming to terms with. If I spend my whole life expecting you to change then I'll never be happy. 

The only person whose growth I can control is my own, and I'm doing my best.

Part of that includes writing here. Of being honest about my struggles and challenges, and the steps that I'm taking to overcome them. 

Lots of people go through similar situations, and if my words are able to help a single person feel like they're not alone, or encourages them to get the help that they need, then I have a responsibility as a writer to put myself out here. Even if it means upsetting you.

As I said: I don't expect you to understand.

I do expect you to continue to ignore me; to continue to pretend like nothing is wrong and I'm just delusional or making up the fact that I have anxiety or issues with trust, confidence and self-worth. I expect you to continue to deny your roles in causing these issues, to continue to keep me at arm's length because it's easier to ignore me than it is to face the things about yourselves that make you uncomfortable.

But I know you read this blog. So I'm telling you that it's okay.

I forgive you.

(At least, I'm working on it.)

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yesterday was tough

February 27, 2013 - 11:00pm - by admin

in fact, despite one really good thing it was probably the worst day I've had in years or since I can remember at least.

no I don't want to talk about it.

maybe in the throes of things I would have been ready to pour my heart out here but the internet isn't cool with that kind of stuff anymore, and nobody wants to hear about how sad I am unless it's a major catastrophe or a loss of some kind

(which yesterday was and then wasn't)
(which I realize makes no sense)
(but neither did yesterday, so there).

the nice thing is that after a good sleep everything feels a bit brighter.

more manageable.

today was better.

had an amazing americano from parlour coffee.
took some sassy senior ladies to the casino with my work and one of them bought me a grilled cheese.
played bingo and was an I 60 away from winning $47,500+ dollars which nobody wound up winning.
(but it was nice & exciting to hope)
found a message on the way home that made me smile.



it's good to feel happy today.

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