parents called me and said
I had to go through Grandma's apartment
and see if there was anything I wanted.
anything I 'wanted'?
I struggled with this.
I think about her as the wrinkles in her face
the wave of her perm
her long nails
the way she held a tissue.
I want to remember those things.
that's what I want.
she isn't even dead
just
moved away
and I'll never see her again.
it kills me.
it destroys me.
I've trying to deal
I have to
what's done is done.
so
we went
and I saw a recipe box
and
printed in her neat writing
at the top of a recipe she'd written
'this would make a good meatloaf!'
it's funny
the sort of thing
that makes you break down
and cry.
I miss her so much
it's like a black hole in my heart
eating me from the inside out
I feel empty.
I miss her.
