Tagged: Thoughts
Reading this beautiful book right now
- by admin
called "Reunion" by Alan Lightman.
It's about a professor who attends his 30th college reunion on the surface but like a good book it's also about heartbreak and misery and that sad sort of indifference that sets in when you look back on your life and find yourself disappointed. It's also about lost loves, burying emotions and bittersweet heartbreak.
Though to say "I'm reading" isn't really true, because I'm having it read to me. Usually late at night after hours of talking and laughing when we should be sleeping and one of us looks at the other and says something like
"want to do some Book?"
which sounds like a secret term for something but isn't.
We're just both literary nerds.
I haven't read anything akin to a romance novel in a long time. I generally don't care for them.
The last one I read was The Time Traveler's Wife which was recommended to me while in a Chapters with an ex-boyfriend's cousin while living in Hamilton and I bought it on a whim because, looking back, I needed some romance in my life. Even if I was only going to be able to find it within the pages of a novel.
Recently though I'm finding myself drawn to romance novels. Mostly ones about betrayal and heartbreak and making beautiful, fucked-up, life-changing mistakes.
Because that's what we're all doing all the time, really, and that's what I feel my life has been lately: something beautiful that came from a bunch of fucked-up mistakes
which is the story of everyone's life when you step back and look at it.
I read a great article from Elite Daily a few weeks ago called Why Readers, Scientifically, Are The Best People To Fall In Love With which I think is absolutely true.
Being able to draw from the references I've learned from books has made this process easier. I can turn to Wilde and Bukowski and, now, Lightman and see sides of myself in their words because books teach us to love
to look at things from other people's perspectives
to be brave
to make the hard choices
to reflect on the bad ones
to not let the fleeting, inconsequential annoyances of day-to-day life get in the way of living.
I'm falling back in love with books and it's glorious.
It's like coming home.
Tony Pierce asked
- by admin
how hard is it to type type type your feelings?
must be sorta hard because only a handful of ppl even do it any more.
which is true. Both that almost nobody blogs their feels anymore and also that it's hard to type type type your feelings sometimes.
Because even when yr on cloud nine sometimes it's hard to share
and sit down and say
"my life is pretty fucking spectacular. I'm dating an amazing man, getting to spend time with funny and genuine people, and I feel confident in where my life is going"
even when that's true.
Because it's easy to think
that nobody cares
that people only want to read when you're sad
or when you've gone someplace amazing
or when you've had this cray adventure
which are all interesting, of course
but that's just not true.
Because I care.
I always care.
So pour yr fucking heart out for me
I dare you.
Wrote to my aunt yesterday
- by admin
who I haven't talked to in years, which is cray
and embarrassing, because she's blood and family and all that jazz
but life happens and people drift apart
and sometimes we have to take steps to get back together.
Anyway.
I wrote to her today and told her about my life. My friends, my loves, my family, my interests, my failures, my regrets
and she wrote back and said
Alyson, everyone makes mistakes.
which is true and good to remember sometimes. Especially when we're thinking about the mistakes that others have made.
It's easy to forget that we often make them, ourselves, and it's good to be reminded that we all fuck up
we all make mistakes
and that it's okay. As long as we learn from them.
Took bold steps today
- by admin
which takes more balls than people tell you.
Whether it's leaving a lover
(which I didn't, don't worry)
calling someone on their bs
(which I did recently, but not today)
or finally allowing yrself to say
"yeah, I'm worth it"
(which is what happened)
it's can be a scary journey to actually start thinking highly of yourself, which is weird.
You'd think it would be the opposite, but no.
Our society teaches us (especially women) to devalue ourselves,
that it's rude to think that we deserve a better partner, better people in our lives, better opportunities
even when we do
and it takes courage to start to value ourselves and to take a long, hard look at our lives and go
"yeah, I deserve this"
and then actually go for it.
One of my favourite authors said something lovely about courage, which I'm going to end with here before I get too flowery
(so have a lovely weekend, and always remember):
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.
- Anais Nin
This photo contains every human being in existence, except for the one
- by admin
It's totally crazy when you think about it.
Which you should, and often.
Looking at this photo makes me feel funny inside
like when a plane is taking off and everything inside you feels like floating.
It makes me feel so small and so huge and so
very, very lucky.
Which we all are.
So go hug yr mum.
Text yr friends and tell 'em you love 'em.
Forget whatever you were stressed out about, because it really doesn't matter.
We're all in this
together.
Closure Dreams
- by admin
After every major life event (read: breakup) I have there's obviously a time of mourning and a time for sads and etc.
That's natural and I think everyone has them.
For me I know that something in my life is truly over when I dream about it.
It happens without fail, and it happened last night.
After I'd looked through old photos and remembered the life that I used to share with someone else. After I'd thought stuff like
look how happy we were
how did we let this happen
where will he go from here?
and, obviously, with a twinge of sadness
he'll be this happy with someone else someday
which is true, and I hope happens for him sooner than later.
Last night I had a dream that he called me to pick up some stuff and he was living in The Roslyn, which is this huge amazing old building in Osborne Village
and also my very first apartment where I lived as a single gal for a year, and where I was living when we started dating.
In my dream I went up to the 6th floor where he was living (which doesn't exist) and though I know we talked in my dream I don't remember what we talked about
and at the end of our discussion his phone rang and I said
who's that
and he said
my girlfriend
and then I woke up and realized how truly over everything was.
This happens every time I go something life-changing, and I hadn't realized until now how much I've come to expect and rely on those closure dreams.
It's like my mind's way of saying "it's okay.
It's over, and everything will be okay."
It's funny how sometimes we need to fall back on ourselves more than we need to fall back on other people.
I expected the dream to make me sad, and is has, a little
but it made me feel a lot better, actually
because it's a signal that I can start to really move forward.
Everything will be okay, for both of us.
I'm not the nicest girl
- by admin
in fact, most people would call me a lot of other things instead and depending on the person, circumstance and words used I might be inclined to agree with them.
I don't pretend to be anything other than what I am.
I haven't blogged at length about my breakup because while it was okay to share the life that I shared with someone else, it's not nearly as nice to share yr life when they're not really a part of it anymore.
Besides, how do you frame the process of untangling two people who spent years stitching themselves together?
Should you, even?
I don't know. I've never done this before.
Breaking up is hard. It's the hardest thing that I've ever done.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in the public drama of breaking up but at the end of the day you're just two people who loved each other once
or might still love each other but can't make it work
or just don't love each other enough anymore
or whatever
who have to try and navigate the disgusting, awful, nasty, rotten, dirty business that is breaking up.
It's awful, and I know that it's far from over.
But I'll still be here at the end of it.
I hope you will, too.
xox
yr girl Shaner
Winnipeg vs Wildlife?
- by admin
It's no secret that I love this city. I go on at length about our potential, our charm, and the quality of the people who call Winnipeg "home." I truly believe that we are becoming a forward-thinking city filled with thoughtful, considerate, wonderful people.However, there are instances which make me seriously doubt my optimistic view of my hometown.
I'm referring to an organization called the "Urban Goose Working Group" (mentioned on CJOB yesterday) who have been seeking out and destroying the eggs of Canada Geese in the Kenaston area for at least the past couple of years. Their actions are apparently spurred by the "safety issue" caused by the geese and their goslings in the area.
I'd like to take a moment to lay out what is actually happening here, in case you missed it:
People are actively going out of their way to find and destroy Canada Goose eggs.
What's even worse is that this is an effort coordinated and supported by not only the City of Winnipeg, but the Province of Manitoba as well as the Government of Canada. So all levels of government not only condone, but actually encourage this utterly barbaric practice.
It is shameful and disgusting, and I am appalled that my local government feels that this is an appropriate step to take.
There are multiple options which could serve as much more humane alternatives: we could install caution signs to notify motorists that this is a high traffic area for geese, put up snow fencing to deter the geese, we could slow the fuck down as we barrel along in our SUVs to go to the outlet mall, we could do as many countries in Europe have done and build wildlife bridges over highways to facilitate exactly the sort of issues that we're running into, or we could stop the insanity that is urban sprawl and stop building on the nesting grounds that these birds have been using for countless generations.
Because that's the thing: citizens are complaining about the inconvenience that the geese are causing them, though they chose to move to a newly-developed (and in many cases, totally unnecessary) suburban wasteland and now they have to interact and deal with (gasp! Horror!) wildlife that has been there long before our shovels broke the soil.
Here in Winnipeg we're trying to paint ourselves as a forward-thinking city, and while I know for a fact that there are many people in Winnipeg who truly are, we can't make a statement like that while continuing to completely disregard our wildlife simply for the sake of our own creature comforts.
It speaks volumes about the rampant levels of self-entitlement in our society, and it's time that the City of Winnipeg and our Provincial and Federal governments started acting a like the "responsible governments" that they claim to be.
With this in mind, I urge you to write to your City Councillor, your MLA, and your MP and ask them to stop supporting this awful practice.
This weekend was happy, then it was sad
- by admin
which is basically how all of my days have been for the past few weeks. A roller coaster of elation and fun and then sad sad sad then good again.
Life takes some adjusting to, sometimes.
But we push ever forward (it's not like we have any choice).
Anyway.
Went for dinner at Billabong after work and had passable mussels and decent calamari and not the greatest selection of beer which led to a singular beer with dinner and then the decision to toss back a couple of road rockets with a handsome man in a back alley seemed only natural.
I managed to make it in time for my community gardening orientation which I was scared about going to because, y'know, road rockets, but there was a dude who was clearly super wasted and kept getting flak from the dude running the orientation so I felt better.
Now I'm spending time in my apartment for the first time in over two weeks which I expected to stress me out and make me feel sad but it hasn't. It's been nice to be in my own home and totally alone and sipping Brazillionaire tea from DavidsTea and to cuddle with my main kitty, Toulouse.
Even if he does ruin all my good wesside photos.
I haven't been honest so here's what's up
- by admin
for the past while
days, weeks, months, maybe
I haven't been myself.
I've been a shadow of my former self due to heartache and confusion and betrayal and all of that good shit that makes you
lie awake in the dark at night
feel heartsick all day every day
write secret poems and flowery letters that you burn immediately
and pore over
every word
text
syllable
and, inevitably
each silence
until you drive yourself mad with it.
We become so wrapped up in the versions of ourselves that we feel that we need to be
(or remain)
that we lose sight of what can, might, maybe make us happy
or, in some cases (like mine)
we try to avoid and run away from our problems and the difficult decisions that need to be made
until we start hurting other people.
which is basically the opposite of what you ever
ever
wanted to do.
And for the past while I've felt almost utterly unable to create anything of value.
Just broken words, broken promises, broken hearts.
Until today.
Maybe it's the text message conversation that I had
or that walk in the rain
crying sitting in the middle of all of my posessions
or the crepes with way too much butter
listening to The Smiths
or just sitting here and writing in a more open and freeing way than I've done in months
I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
